Last week, Mark sent me an email titled "Why Do Real Men Watch Fox News?"
Inside the email, as I expected, were the head-shots of all the gorgeous Fox News Channel anchors and hosts, including:
|Megyn Kelly (My personal favorite)|
|Kimberly Guillfoyle (Yes, she's a brunette, FNC doesn't discriminate!)|
|Jane Skinner ("The Smart One")|
|Courtney Friel (Really? A swimsuit photo?)|
|Julie Banderas, Ainsley Earhart and Dominica Davis ("Good Morning, Angels." "Good Morning, Rupert!")|
And the rest of the Fox News bevy of bodaciousness, including Gretchen Carlson, Uma Pemmeraju, Harris Faulkner and Rebecca Gomez.
No surprise here, everyone knows that's the secret to FNC's success. They want to keep conservative males, age 25-50, glued to their shows for as long as possible, and men will listen to just about anything that comes out of a hot girls mouth as long as we can stare at her body while we do it. So, get a bunch of spokes models and pageant winners, slap 'em in some sexy power suits, get them to recite conservative talking points over and over, while making cute and coy little facial expressions and snarky sidebar comments that let those conservative men know they got a smart little firecracker here who isn't gonna argue with you about why immigrants and poor people are destroying the country and giving more tax breaks to their bosses is the only way out of this mess, thanks to that damn Kenyan Muslim Socialist, while she's finishing you off in the sack from a long day of busting your ass for less money than you deserve at your non-union, blue-collar job. I mean, while you have it that is... word at the plant is, they're shipping the whole operation to Mexico next month. Damn whoever signed that stupid NAFTA bullshit, fucking Democrats!
What I thought was particularly funny, though, was after the rundown of hot spokes-anchors, there was this picture at the end:
Let's do a rundown here:
Sarah Palin - Former VP nominee. Former Gov. of Alaska. Former Mayor of Wasilla and local news eye candy. Quit being mayor to run for Gov. Ran for VP while Gov, but quit being Gov. after 2 years to run for media attention whore, "author" and Fox News contributer. Currently cock-blocking every media stop the real Republican presidential candidates make with her recently re-started nationwide bus tour, which was supposed to just be a "family vacation", but now apparently doesn't include most of her family. Never finished one full term of any elected office she's held.
Angie Harmon - Actress. Married to former NFL player Jason Seahorn. Really, conservatives? You find one or two hot actresses who vote Republican and they make this list? Must be because their are so few of them. I would list the hot pro-Democrat actresses, but we'd be here all night... Anyway, no political career or influence, other than her own voting habits.
Laura Ingraham - Radio host, author, conservative commentator and occasional fill-in host on O'Reilly, Hannity and other Fox News shows. Unlike Angie, she at least has a career related to politics and is an actual pro-conservative voice in the media. Also, unlike Palin, she still works at her jobs.
Carrie Prejean - Former Miss California and Miss USA runner-up. She gained all of her media attention by saying that marriage should be "between a man and a woman", causing her to immediately become a political tool, used by the right as a hero of "family values" and by the left as a villain of "right-wing intolerance and prejudice". Milked her 15 minutes of fame into a book, where she plays the victim card for a few hundred pages and talks about how awesome God is a lot. I would say she's just as politically irrelevant as Angie Harmon, but with that face and hair, she'll be a great replacement when the crystal in the hand of one of the other "Angels" at FNC starts flashing red in a few years...
Michelle Malkin - Conservative blogger, political commentator and author. Basically, she's a cuter, more Asian and female version of me, but with an agent. Give me a regular gig as a contributor on MSNBC and let me fill in for Rachel or Lawrence a few times and I will be the anti-Michelle Malkin, literally. You decide how strong of a resumé that is.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck - Outspoken, conservative co-host of The View. Gained "fame" by competing on Survivor, parlayed that into a gig at The View and marrying mediocre former NFL player Tim Hasselbeck. Often mocked for her air-headed, almost Palin-eque parroting of conservative talking points, she is frequently flustered by her predominantly pro-left fellow co-hosts, including Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar. Known for making outrageous and contradictory comments, typical of people who believe something without fully understanding it.
Janine Turner - Almost completely irrelevant actress. Angie Harmon looks like Angelina Jolie compared to her. Earned the lion's share of her fame by starring in the show Northern Exposure for 2 years, from 2000-2002. Recently, she's tried to re-invent herself as a conservative pundit by supporting Sarah Palin, being invited to speak at an Americans for Prosperity function, and by hosting a 1-hour, local Dallas AM conservative talk show at 10pm.
Debbie Schlussel - Attorney, political commentator and conservative blogger. Famous for her strong anti-Muslim and anti-Islam viewpoints. Referred to the city of Dearborn, MI as "Dearbornistan" due to it's large Muslim population. Next to Ann Coulter, the most dubious "hot chick" on this list.
Ann Coulter - Hey, we were just talking about you! Lawyer, conservative commentator, author and columnist. Known for making intentionally outrageous and inflammatory remarks about Democrats, the liberal ideology and pretty much anything remotely left of the far-right. Authored books about liberals and Democrats with titles such as "Godless", "Demonic", "Treason" and "Slander". Probably the most legitimately knowledgeable woman out of this entire list when it comes to conservative ideology, although that's not saying much, and it's probably due to the fact that she could very well be a man.
Monica Crowley - Conservative radio and television host and author, regular FNC contributor. She might just be the hottest girl on this list, and she actually has some conservative news credentials!
Michelle Bachmann - Note: "Not ugly" does not equal "hot". Somewhere between Schlussel and Mr. Coulter in the looks dept. Presidential candidate and current holder of the Sarah Palin Dingbat award for stupidest shit said as if it were the truth while campaigning seriously for a job she has no idea how to do and no business at all trying to get. Never had a single job in her adult life working in the private sector, yet rants about "big government". Takes subsidies for her family farm and medicare reimbursements for her family practice, yet rails against "government hand-outs" and "wasteful spending". Voted against the debt ceiling increase and compares it to giving a "blank check" to the president, clearly showing that she has no idea what the debt ceiling actually is. Has made more factually incorrect statements on the campaign trail than Palin on speed after listening to 8 hours of Rush, Hannity and O'Reilly - thus earning her my official Sarah Palin Dingbat Award. However, she's the only actual political candidate on this list and the only elected official on the list who didn't quit her job halfway in.
Hannah Giles - Played a prostitute in a "sting" video against ACORN, made by James O'Keefe. The video gained a lot of national attention when it made the rounds on Fox News and the blogosphere during the presidential election in 2008. Later, the video was proven to have been intentionally edited, conversation segments were shifted around out of chronological order and statements were lifted, out of context, to create a damning video from a mostly innocuous original series of recordings. Come on now, conservatives... a cute conservative who played a hooker in a biased, set-up "sting" video? Really scraping the barrel here!
Now, let's compare credentials...
Michelle Obama - First Lady. Tops numerous lists of "most beautiful/glamorous first ladies of all time". Former lawyer and political staffer. Named the "Most Powerful Woman in the World" on Forbes top 100 list.
Janet Reno - Former atty general. First female atty general. Second longest-serving atty general in history.
Lynn Stewart - Former lawyer of unpopular and controversial clients. Convicted in 2005 for giving material aid to terrorists. Sentenced to 10 years and dis-barred. Picked for this list because she looks like a cross between a swamp beast and Bob Hoskins, and apparently must be a registered Democrat. No political influence, no political involvement, she's just another ugly convicted criminal who just happens to be a Democrat.
Nancy Pelosi - Highest ranking female politician in US History. First female speaker of the house, current minority leader in the Senate.
Helen Thomas - Author and former member of the White House Press Corps. Served in that position for 57 years. Fired when she made "controversial" statements about the Israeli occupation of Palestine. Also picked for this list mainly because she's exceedingly unattractive.
Susan Estrich - Lawyer, professor, author, activist and Fox News contributor. One of the "liberals" they pick to go against the stacked conservative panels.
Andrea Dworkin - Feminist and anti-porn crusader. 1/2 of her career is based on doing stuff conservatives like - fighting against porn - and 1/2 is based on doing stuff conservatives hate - fighting for women to be viewed as equals. Picked for this list because she is unattractive and hard to masturbate to, isn't it ironic?
Madeline Albright - First woman to be elected Secretary of State. Unanimously confirmed, 99-0. Fluent in 4 languages, can read and speak in 6 languages.
Rosie O'Donnel - Actress, comedian, political commentator, tv host, publisher, author and gay rights activist. The "Anti-Elizabeth Hasselbeck" during her stint on The View. Outspoken liberal and pro-gay activist. Made the list because of her famous "dyke-y" appearance, but she is a dyke, after all... they're not the "girly" ones in the relationship...
Hillary Clinton - Former First Lady and New York Senator, current Secretary of State. Former lawyer and author. Newsweeks 13th most powerful woman in the world, 2009.
Janeane Garofalo - Comedian, actress, political commentator, author, radio and television host and activist. One of the favorite targets of the Fox News "Boy's Club" of O'Reilly, Hannity and Beck. Occasionally, they take time out of calling Garofalo a misguided idiot and moronic liberal ideolog to give liberals shit for ridiculing Palin and Bachmann's lack of basic civics, History and economics education as proof of their latent sexism.
Barbara Streisand - Actress, singer, entertainer, and political activist. Like Garofalo, a favorite target of the right because of her outspoken support for Democratic candidates, including former president Clinton, and her financial support of Democratic causes and campaigns.
So, let's recap...
The "Republicans" list is a bunch of hot girls who happen to be conservatives to some degree, whether it's directly relevant to their career or not. The "Democrats" list is a bunch of accomplished and politically active career women and politicians (and one convicted criminal), who were picked because they're either not attractive or took an unflattering photo.
While this email is intended as a joke, something to be passed around by (mostly) conservative males to each other to ogle the hotness at FNC and laugh at the hand-picked comparison of the hottest "conservative" women that could be found vs. the worst pictures of the least-attractive Democratic women possible, and an extremely bad picture of Michele Obama for good measure, there is a deeper message here.
Conservative men on Fox News and in the broader conservative media arenas such as talk radio, syndicated columns and the blogosphere love to beat up on guys like Bill Maher for being "sexist" because they dare to call out "pretty" conservative women like Palin and Bachmann on the stupid shit they say and the outright lies they try to pass off as truth every time they get in front of a camera. Whenever anyone criticizes a Palin or Bachmann speech, soundbyte or interview for the gaffs and inaccuracies that betray a lack of basic knowledge of the subjects on which they're speaking with authority, these people are branded "sexist" and "mean-spirited". Keep in mind, these same guys rushing to the defense of Palin and Bachmann beat the hell out of Hillary during her campaign for the Democratic nomination for president in 2008, during her service as Senator of NY, during her marriage to Bill Clinton and during her current job as Sec. of State. These same guys bashed Janet Reno and Madeline Albright relentlessly, calling them everything from "ignorant" to "dangerous". These same guys send around an email that compares the hot, glamorous anchor-models on Fox News to serious politicians like Clinton, Reno, Albright and Nancy Pelosi as part of a "Ours are hotter, we win!" argument.
Yeah, yours are hotter, theirs are smarter. Explain to me how Democrats are the sexist ones again? Oh, because they don't give the hot girls a pass based on their looks? Gotcha!
Yes, the email itself is a joke, not intended to be taken seriously and put out there solely to give conservative men something to laugh about amongst themselves and send to their Democrat friends to give them a ribbing. It is incredibly sexist though, and it betrays the hypocrisy of the right in their over-eager defense of their "calendar girls". Making fun of pretty conservative girls because they're stupid - sexist. Making fun of intelligent liberal women because they're ugly - not sexist, just all in good fun!