Friday, March 11, 2011

Thoughts and Prayers for the people of Japan...


The most shit-ruiningest, nuclear-mutated, giant, killer, sea-borne, city-eating, reptillian apocalypse monster ever to rise from the ocean floor.  I've been following his career ever since H-Bomb radiation first brought him to life, 30 years before I was born.  Tonight, in loving tribute to the people devastated by the earthquake and tsunamis that have shaken Japan and impacted places as far away as the pacific rim, Hawaii and even the shores of my beloved California, I present the greatest Godzilla asskickings of all time.
Godzilla vs. Rodan
These are in no particular order, because there really is no best or worst Godzilla asskicking.  Every Godzilla asskicking is epic.  Although Rodan and Godzilla always teamed up against other monsters, namely King Ghidorah and Mecha Godzilla, on at least two occassions Godzilla and Rodan were afflicted by mind-control and forced to fight each other.  Rodan's ass was particularly hard to kick because he is one of the few monsters Godzilla fought who was unaffected by Godzilla's atomic breath.  Plus he could whip up some hurricane winds with his wings and blow Godzilla all over the place.  Together though, they were the Starsky and Hutch of fucking shit up.

Godzilla vs. Mothra
Like Rodan, Mothra would become one of Godzilla's powerful allies.  But, before that, they fought like lizards and insects.  Mothra has the greatest success rate in combat vs. Godzilla of any monster.  It should be noted, however, that these victories only occured in films where Godzilla was the villain, and also that Mothra has never bested Godzilla 1v1.  The victories were achieved by "twin Mothra larvae" and by Mothra and another giant monster named Battra.  Nonetheless, as a powerful psychic monster that can also generate hurricane winds as well as shoot stingers and release poisonous gas, Mothra was unquestionably Godzilla's toughest adversary, and strongest ally.

Godzilla vs. Megalon
The least popular and most criticized of all of Godzilla's adversaries.  I know what you're thinking: "What?  How could a monster THAT BADASS LOOKING with a costume that FRIGHTENINGLY REALISTIC and in a movie with such AMAZING special effects possibly be unpopular?  Crazy, I know, but true.  Ok, yes, this is a lame movie with a terrible monster and more stock footage than a 70's porno compilation, but that's kind of why I like it.  Plus, there's a great scene at the end when Godzilla is really kicking Megalon's ass and... ok, so one of Megalon's attacks is that he shoots these red exploding poison gas balls or whatever out of his mandibular region and so Godzilla has him on his back and he tries to shoot the balls at Godzilla but they keep falling back into his own mouth and fucking him up.  It's terrible!  His arms look like some really fucked up sex toys and that's clearly a dildo horn on his head, but fuck it man, it works.

Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla
OH SHIT!  A robot version of the king of monsters!  You better watch out, Gojira, this could get ROUGH!  MechaGodzilla was originally covered in a fake flesh "Godzilla costume" and attacked Japan as part of an elaborate plan to set Godzilla up the bomb as being an evil villain menace again.  However, his creators failed to give him Godzilla's trademark roar and that's how Godzilla's buddy, Anguirus, discovered the ruse and attacked MechaGodzilla.  Anguirus lost the battle, but the Japanese were tipped off to the charade and eventually the real Godzilla appeared and burned off MechaGodzilla's fake skin with his atomic breath, revealing the trademark metal exoskeleton underneath.  MechaGodzilla would appear in numerous incarnations in future Godzilla films throughout the years, but he never bested the king of monsters, and finally his shattered remains were buried deep in the earth by Godzilla, preventing anyone from recreating his technology again.  TAKE THAT SCIENCE!

Godzilla vs. King Kong
Oh, you in the wrong hood, King Kong...  In the film that would forever cement Asian mistrust of black people, King Kong is captured and brought to Tokyo, where he (literally) goes apeshit and starts ruining shit all over the place until Godzilla shows up and starts beating his ass.  Everything was going fine for Godzilla until it was discovered that for some reason electricity gives King Kong increased strength.  This is first a problem when Kong runs from asskicking #1 and hits a giant electrified barrier that charges him back up for round 2, which again winds up with Godzilla tearing Kong a new asshole until a freak lightning storm comes along, pumps Kong up to Barry Bonds-like proportions, and the two begin a cataclysmic final battle that ends with both monsters plummetting to the sea, where Kong surfaces and swims off, presumably to his home land, leaving Godzilla's fate unknown... until the next exciting adventure!

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah
Godzilla's greatest adversary, King Ghidorah was sent to earth from space by alien beings who used the monster to weaken the civilizations of various planets, making them ripe for conquest.  However, the aliens didn't count on Godzilla and his motherfucking homies, Mothra and Rodan.  What ensues is the greatest 3v1 asskicking ever to shake the ring of fire.  Mothra - in crazy ass larvae form - uses monster silk to bind him up, there's all kinds of wing-hurricane shit between him and Rodan, and eventually Godzilla and Rodan do some wonder twin powers shit and push Ghidorah's turds in to the point that he's like alright alright, fuck!  And flies back to his space planet world in defeat.  Ghidorah would appear again and again and would be Godzilla's toughest and most popular enemy.  Plus, he looks pretty badass.  Next to Rodan, he's my favorite "Kaiju" (strange beast) in the Godzilla universe.

Invisible Godzilla vs. Japan
Too soon?

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