Monday, June 20, 2011

I don't care if Monday's blue...

Wow, what a weekend.  Hopefully, everyone for the most part had a wonderful Father's Day.  I spent my Sunday sitting at home alone, drinking and masochistically making myself watch "Big Fish" again, even though that damn movie makes me blubber like a 2 year old every time I see it, and I know it does, but I still watch it anyway.  Next year I think I'll not be a pouty bitch and go with my wife to spend Father's Day with my father in-law.  That may or may not have anything to do with the fact that they enjoyed delicious Mexican food at a great place near where he lives while I sat at home like a turd and ate chili and Doritos.  I can always be coaxed out of my self-pity party with the promise of chips and salsa, strong drinks and delicious Mexican food.  "Careful the plate is hot."  I know my dear, it always is.

So I was awakened from my peaceful slumber this morning by a text from a friend with the news that "Jackass" star Ryan Dunn had died in a single-car accident and that alcohol may have been a contributing factor.  I immediately talked shit about it on my facebook page... well, by "immediately" I mean after I went back to sleep for 2 1/2 more hours because I don't have a job so fuck getting up at 9am.  I checked out TMZ and got all the poop on the deal and then read a related article from Roger Ebert saying that friends don't let friend's drink and drive when they're jackasses, or something to that effect.  Some people were saying it was "too soon."  Too soon?  If Dunn had died of cancer it would be too soon.  If he had been killed in a drive-by or during a robbery it would be too soon.  If he was the passenger in the car, instead of the driver, it might be too soon.  However, when you tweet pictures of yourself drinking and appearing obviously intoxicated just an hour or so before you take your Porsche GT3, custom tuned to do 190, out for a late night drunken speed trial through the woods with a yet-unnamed passenger with you, lose control because - well - you're drunk and hot-rodding in a fucking RACE CAR in the middle of the night, burst into flames and die... no, it's not too soon.  Apparently, it's not soon enough.

It's also not too soon to say what the fuck was wrong with the people who he was hanging out with who let him leave, obviously intoxicated?  It's not too soon to say why didn't anybody, up to and including the management of the establishment he was getting drunk at, take his keys and call the guy a cab?  If I owned a $150,000+ Porsche, getting a fucking scratch on it would make me want to kill a baby, let alone assing around in it drunk as balls and potentially sideswiping someone or taking out a parked car or anything else that I could have walked away from, but would have done extensive and expensive damage to my car and potentially landed me in some serious legal trouble.  Forget about careening off the road into a field of trees and exploding into a fireball of death.  I mean, the indignity of a drunken cab ride home followed by having a friend drive me back to the bar to pick my car up the next day pales in comparison, don't you think?  Ah, but it's not too soon for that now is it?  More like it's a little too late.

I'm not without pity, I mean I like Ryan Dunn, he seemed like a good dude, the kind of guy you could go out and get royally shitfaced with and he wouldn't try to fight you or do anything stupid, except apparently playing Gran Turismo in real life.  He was always funny on Jackass, he put up with Bam Margera's shit with a remarkable amount of restraint, he could take a prank and deliver one.  Overall, dude was a definite asset to the Jackass family.  Speaking of Bam Margera, I kind of feel for him right now.  I mean, the number of men on the face of the Earth who don't consider him a total douchebag has decreased by one, and they were already an endangered species to begin with.  Pretty soon he's going to have to buy a pet monkey so he can have another male around who doesn't think he's the only guy in the world who out-douches Mystery from The Pick-Up Artist.  Yep, it's never too soon to bag on ol Bam.  Go cut another sunroof in your Lambo, you over-hyped turd.  It's so rebellious how you destroy insanely expensive shit that you bought just to prove how above it you are, while simultaneously name-dropping every celebrity and underground European goth musician you know and bragging about all the exotic places on Earth you have been to.  I remember when skaters skated, you know?  And didn't have to drape themselves in fucking scarves and eyeliner and fur-lined petty coats and shit like they're auditioning for first mate on the Black Pearl, or a vampire Rolling Stones cover band or some shit.  Shoulda been you Bam, shoulda been you.  Yep, I said it.  Too soon?

Shoulda been Steve-O too for that matter.  I even actually like Steve-O, but still, of all the Jackass stars I expected to hear died, Ryan Dunn was pretty far down on the list.  Steve-O, on the other hand, was up there with fucking Wee Man.  Not that I think Wee Man is living some out of control lifestyle or anything, it's just that everyone knows midgets... pardon me, "little people," have a shorter lifespan than normal humans.  My death list would have been Steve-O, then Wee Man,  then the fat dude... Preston Lacy I think his name is... then Chris Pontious, which would have been a suicide after everyone else who would be willing to do a show with him already died and he realized he had no career anymore.  Then Bam Margera, accidentally overdosing on Absinthe or something retarded while trying to look cool after a HIM concert in Budapest, then Ryan Dunn and then Johnny Knoxville.  What?  There are more guys from the Jackass movies?  You don't say...  But seriously, Steve-O like set himself on fire on the George Lopez show last week... which if you think about it is some pretty spooky fucking premonition shit.  But really, if you just read the headline "Jackass Star Dead" your first thought would be Steve-O.

So, once again, another famous person dies for doing some dumb shit that is pretty well known for causing people to die all the time.  It's never "too soon" to talk shit about how stupid a person has to be to drive drunk in 2011.  I mean, it's like people who smoke cigarettes or shoot heroin or huff spray paint.  The science has been done, the statistical data is out there, we all know this shit kills you, why the fuck are you still doing it?  Hey, you wanna drink?  Go right ahead.  I love to drink, mentioned it at the start of this post.  But guess what?  I did it at home, where I didn't have to drive myself anywhere.  It's not as if we are generally unaware that alcohol is the single largest contributing factors to fatal car accidents in the country.  The guy who doesn't know that is like the guy who just found out smoking is bad for your health.  I mean, did you just arrive in some ancient-ass time machine while chasing Jack the Ripper?  In case that went over your head, I'm talking about this movie. 

At any rate, celebrities are not unlike politicians in the arrogant way they think the normal laws and conventions of society somehow don't apply to them, or that they are in some weird way blessed and immune to mundane things like drunk driving deaths, drug overdoses, catching STD's, sex scandals, breaking the law and actually going to jail for it, and so on.  When you see the shock on Lindsay Lohan's face when they take her off to jail in handcuffs, even though it's like her 8th appearance in front of a judge in 2 years.  When you see Paris Hilton crying like a baby as she gets hauled off to jail because she can't believe she's actually paying for her criminal behavior and disregard for the judicial system.  When you see John Ensign resigning to avoid a criminal investigation into his clearly illegal and unethical cover-up of an extramarital affair, and it works.  When you see David Vitter breaking Louisiana state law by hiring prostitutes to cheat on his wife with, then apologize for it and win re-election without even so much as getting a ticket for it.  I mean, I guess I can see why people who are famous think they're super human.  In a way, they are.  They exist in a world where the normal rules almost never apply to them.  They don't have to wait in lines, they don't have to pick up the check, they don't have to go to jail, they don't have to ever apologize for anything, except when doing so will keep them from going to jail, they basically get to live by an entirely different set of rules than the rest of the country does.  I suppose I could understand how, after living in that bubble for so long, after existing in that alternate universe where you can walk among "normal" people but you're always better and more important than they are, that eventually you might think you could get away with dumb shit that we all know kills you.  Maybe you start to think you can drink and drive your high-performance sports car like a maniac on winding back roads in the middle of the night and not launch off the road to your fiery death.  But guess what?  You can't.  You might think you're better than everyone else, but you roll the dice just like the rest of us.

Sucks, Mr. Dunn, you seemed like a cool dude.  Too bad you were just a fucking Jackass.


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