Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Things that are more important than Anthony Weiner's cock.

Title says it all, here we go!

  1. The unemployment rate.  It's still around 10%  I'm glad the ethics investigation into Weiner's antics will provide some temporary employment for a few data mining experts, but we're still waiting for all the job growth Washington keeps promising us.
  2. Two wars, and the cost of fighting them.  It's literally more than the amount of money it would take to save social security and medicare, fund national health care, give every government worker a 100% pay raise with full benefits, give tax cuts to every American and still have enough left over to significantly reduce our national debt.  Anyone busy not worrying about Weiner's dick want to get on that for us?
  3. The effects of unregulated energy speculation on fuel prices.  Ever since the repeal of Glass/Steagal and other market regulations, gas prices have steadily risen in this country for no other reason than to make a few people very rich.  Oil companies are posting all-time profit records every quarter.  I'm not against people working hard and making money, and I don't hate the rich, but I abhor greed and the victimization of the working class that is the result of outrageously overpriced gasoline.  While you're all busy telling each other to control your penises, maybe you can take 5 minutes to control the wild, flopping market that is just whipping around, smacking us all in the face like dirty sluts?
  4. Real Health Care reform.  I know Republicans hate "Obamacare," but I hate being the only world superpower without a basic health care safety net for its citizens.  Other countries can do it, and do it just fine, and offer competitive quality of service to our private care industry, and they also have kids who do better in school than ours too, so how bad is this fake-ass socialism you keep crying wolf over, really?  You don't like Obamacare?  Then help fix it, but stop trying to repeal something that should be a basic right for every first world country on Earth just so your private insurance and health care buddies can make more money.  All you politicians have great public funded health care, why can't the rest of us?  Oh, and speaking of how much smarter kids in other countries are...
  5. Our educational system sucks.  We're ranked at, or near the bottom of all industrialized nations in every branch of education, from science to math to phys ed.  We are raising the fattest, dumbest kids in the civilized world.  Am I crazy here, or does this seem more important than Anthony Weiner's boxer beef?  I mean, we're so worried about China taking over the world and yet we're pumping out kids from our school system every year who are increasingly less capable of working in China's fast food restaurants when they finally take over, not just because they'll be too stupid to operate a picture-coded cash register, but because they'll be repeatedly caught eating the merchandise.
  6. We're wasting billions of dollars a year on a war on drugs that we're losing spectacularly.  I don't know what it is about our government that they just can't admit when something was a bad idea and stop doing it, but we even pulled out of Vietnam eventually.  40+ years and nearly a trillion dollars later and all we have to show for the war on drugs is the cheapest, strongest and most readily available drugs in our nation's history.  That's like the exact opposite of what you were trying to do, isn't it?  How long would you clean your window with a rag that oozed liquid shit out of it before you realized what was going on and stopped?  If you're our government, the answer is 50 years, and you would spend a trillion dollars to make that rag bigger and shittier each year.
  7. MY cock.  Seriously, I care more about my dick than Anthony Weiner's.  I'm guessing every guy reading this agrees.  Well, about their own cocks, that is.  I fully expect you to not care about mine at all, as I don't care about yours, unless it's bigger than mine, then fuck you with your arrogant, big-cock attitude.
  8. We're still in a recession...  Just because life is better than ever for the richest 1% in this country, that doesn't mean it's business as usual for all you bought and sold assholes on the (s)hill.  The long-anticipated housing market double-dip is happening, prices are taking another dive, more foreclosures are happening and will continue to happen.  The TARP program is being willfully neglected by greedy banks who want to take people's homes and profit twice on them by first getting reimbursed for the loan difference, then selling them at auction for even more profit.  In some states, the banks can even go after the homeowner for the unpaid difference, essentially profiting 3 times from one foreclosure.  Shit still sucks big time for the middle class, and we make up the majority of the voting public.  How about at least pretending you give a shit about us when an election is coming up?
  9. Women's rights.  Over 1000 bills have been introduced this year to restrict a woman's right to choose.  Individual states are trying to use every loophole and end-run scheme they can think of to legislate what a woman can do with her body.  Regardless of your stance on abortion, I consider what will happen to the woman a congressman inevitably gets pregnant to be more important than looking at pictures of the penis that might be responsible for it.
  10. Worker's rights.  Do unions need reform?  Yes.  Are they necessary to protect the working class from exploitation by big business?  Yes.  This is one more important issue that actually affects our daily lives that matters a whole hell of a lot more than Weinercock. (tm)
  11. Speaking of "Weinercock(tm)" I coined the phrase "Weinergate" a full week before Fox News said it.  Fuck you guys.  Or, at the very least, put me on your payroll.  I come up with funny shit like that all the time.  I can totally sell out to the dark side if the price is right, just call me Greta VanFountinelle.
  12. There are multiple girls out there who thought Anthony Weiner was cute enough to want to see his dick.  This is very bothersome to me.  These girls are the ones who should be investigated, what the hell is wrong with them?  Weiner looks like the kind of guy who sends cock pics to girls.  I swear I saw him on an episode of "To Catch a Predator" like 3 years ago.  The guy is like a hairless ferret in a silk suit.  Any girl who actively pursues photos of his erect penis, I consider a national security risk.  There, I said it.
  13. Seeing The Hangover, part 2.  It has more dicks in it, and ladyboys > ferretmen.
  14. Ending this list at 14 because 13 is unlucky.  

I think I've made my point.  Also, any female fans interested in pics of my erect penis, follow me on twitter!

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