This post is inspired by a movie review I wrote today for one of my other gigs, writing movie review/recommendations for The Zombie Club website. While the site is under construction, I'm writing a weekend movie recommendation for their facebook fan page, which you can join by clicking these words!
So, today I recommended Conan the Barbarian as my movie pick for the weekend and it got me thinking, even though Arnold is pretty bad at not having sex with his maid and fathering bastard children, he's pretty good at making legendary action movies, and some of my all-time favorite movies are Arnold films. As such, I decided to list what I consider to be the 5 best Arnold movies ever made. Feel free to disagree, you'll be wrong, but I won't judge. So, without further ado!
5. Total Recall
"Get your ass to Mars!" My number 5 pick is kind of controversial for me, because my top 4 were pretty easy to pick, I just thought about all the movies Arnold had made and 4 of them were just undeniably amazing, but there were a lot that I felt kind of competed for the number 5 slot. For example, by picking Total Recall here, I'm forced to completely drop the original Terminator from my list altogether, even though that's an amazing movie. You know what... I can't do it, I can't pretend that the original Terminator isn't one of the 5 best Arnold movies ever made, I'm going to include it with this one, hang on...
5. part II - The Terminator
Ok, now I don't feel like such a heathen. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Total Recall made the number 5 slot because it's a pretty crazy and fucked up movie. I mean, there's a super-genius Siamese twin baby thing growing out of a dude's chest, there's Arnold spending the entire movie thinking he's a good guy only to find out he's a bad guy at the end and having to decide whether he wants to go back to being a dick or be a hero. And, most of all, there's Sharon Stone back when she was still way hot. Oh yeah, there's a hooker with 3 tits, there's tons of blood and violence, and all kinds of the "Blarrrgh, yearrrgs, yaawwwrrrgh!" dialog from Arnold that always lets you know he's in pain.
As for the Terminator, what can I say that hasn't already been said? This is the movie that started the franchise. I really would be remiss not to include it in my list, but I'm putting Terminator 2 in here and at first I didn't want to have 2 of the 5 spots taken up by the same movie series, but really it does deserve to be here, probably more than Total Recall... scratch that, definitely more than Total Recall, but in the interest of variety I'm giving Total Recall maybe a little more credit than it's worthy of, or Terminator less props than it deserves, by tying them for 5th place. Compared to Terminator 2 though, the first Terminator is kind of lame. It's a great story, and definitely darker and more of a sci-fi horror film than the action blockbuster that T2 was, but cheesy mid-80's hair, Kyle Reese acting pretty much like an insane psycho the whole time, when he probably could have rationally explained the whole situation to Sarah Connor and had a lot less conflict, and the fact that, in spite of basically being kidnapped by a crazy guy and attacked by an even crazier guy the whole movie, she still has sex with him to give birth to John Connor... I mean, no wonder she's in a loony bin in T2, she's obviously a bit out there to begin with. Still though, The Terminator has to be on this list, if for no other reason that because it gave the world "I'll be back." and "Fuck you, asshole."
Highlights of the movie - Holding one of the bad guys by the ankle over a cliff he says "Remember, Sully, when I said I was gonna kill you last? I lied" then dropping him. Punching another bad guy so that he flies back and impales himself on a broken piece of furniture, he says "Stick around." Finally, after throwing a hollow pipe through the chest of his former teammate, that then penetrates a steam line, so that steam is passing through the pipe that is sticking out of dude's chest, Arnold says "Let off some steam, Bennett." I mean, come on, how can you fuck with that?
2. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
But enough about all that technical shit. Terminator 2 kicks ass, not just because of the great special effects and directing, but because Arnold is a good guy in this one, and shows how bad ass a terminator can be when you capture it, reprogram it to be your bodyguard and send it back in time to protect yourself as a kid. The interaction between Arnold and Edward Furlong is great in this movie, and it always bummed me out that Ed didn't have more of a career than he's had. I always liked that dude, he deserved better really. The concept of a reprogrammed, bodyguard terminator inspired the underrated, and unfairly short-lived "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" television series, featuring the insanely cute Summer Glau. Just as that show was starting to get good, they canceled it. Fucking Fox man, they always screw over good shows before they get a chance to come into their own. They did it with the Terminator show, they did it with Human Target and I think they just canned Lie to Me too, I haven't seen a commercial for it recently. Ah well, point being, Terminator 2 rules and I think I might be getting a little ADD here, time to wrap it up with my number one pick!
1. Conan the Barbarian