Thursday, September 1, 2011

Know your Facebook friends!

Facebook is awesome, everyone knows this.  Those who don't either haven't signed up yet, or they work for Myspace.  Actually, I think even Myspace employees know that Facebook is awesome.  At any rate, no matter how many Facebook friends you have, chances are they all fall into one of these categories:

The "Re-poster" - This is the person who pretty much only posts statuses that are copy/pastes of those "Repost if you agree" or "98% won't repost this, will you?" messages, most of which are either lame, cheesy, stupid or a combination of all 3.  Every other week is damn "sisters week" or "sons and daughters week" or "husbands/wives week", or "When I was a kid, the streetlights were my clock, my mom yelling was my cell phone, blah blah blah..."  Repost if you don't even read that shit anymore and just skip down to see what the next person in your news feed has to say.

The "TMI" Friend - "Ugh, my period is SO heavy today, it feels like I'm pushing a jar of chunky Ragu out of my vagina!"  Really?  I mean... really?  "Had a huge shit stain in my underwear, decided to smell it, bad idea..."  You think, Sherlock?  Seriously, it's great comedy material, but I mean come on.

"Relationship Drama" - "Next time your bitch is sucking your dick, ask her if she likes how my pussy tastes!"  Technically, "Relationship Drama" can also be classified as a "TMI" when they post stuff like that, but there's also the less graphic stuff like "SO glad I don't have to put up with XXXX's bullshit anymore, and his/her new girl/guy is fucking gross, so I'm happy!"  Personally, I like when they kick it up a notch and drop some "So, you can take your new bitch out to Red Lobster but you can't pay child support for your son?  See you in court asshole!" in the mix.

Political Guy/Girl - I'm guilty of this one, totally.  Well, to be honest, I'm a little guilty of TMI too and probably a couple other categories as well.  You know Political Guy/Girl, they're always posting stuff like "Way to go, Republicans, when you're done violating a woman's uterus and probing gay anus, do you think you can do something about this recession?" or "When is Obama going to stop playing golf and start doing his job!?"  Political Guy/Girl is also sometimes a re-poster, but only when it's stuff like "The president makes $350,000 a year, the average soldier makes $35,000.  I think I know where we need to make some budget cuts!  Repost of you agree!"

Mr./Ms. Negativity - These fuckers...  You know who they are.  They're the ones always posting stuff like "You'd think that with all the faces you have, you could see that everyone knows you're a fake bitch!" or "One thing that people never fail to do is disappoint me." or some other negative ass shit.  It's all they ever do.  Facebook for them is a platform from which to bitch and complain about everything, all the time.  You never see them post anything upbeat or positive, unless it's a repost of a joke about how much men or women suck or something, which really isn't upbeat it's just a wittier way of bitching and complaining.

"Farmville" Friend - They pretty much only go on Facebook to play the games.  The only thing you ever see on their wall is a million requests for building materials and people to help water their crops or whatever the hell you do in that damn game.  They're always inviting you to play Bejeweled Blitz or Zynga Poker or some shit.  Speaking of which, I drive right by the Zynga offices every time I visit San Francisco, one of these days I'm going to leave a flaming bag of dog shit in front of their door.  Hear that, Zynga?  When you see a bag of flaming dog shit in front of your door, The Dave Factor says hi!

The Horny Friend - Only uses Facebook to try and hook up with any and everyone they can.  I've seen many different incarnations of the Horny Friend.  There's the married horny friend who says stuff like "The wife is going to be out of town this weekend, I'm going to be so bored here all by myself, anyone have any ideas of something fun to do?"  Which is basically saying "Any bitches DTF?  I'm gonna be off the leash for 2 whole days and I need to put my dick in something that I'm not in a relationship with!"  Then there's the single horny friend who responds to every post made by one of the girls on his friends list with a cheesy come-on, like "Girl:  I feel like I'm missing something.  Guy:  My penis?"

"The Body" - One of the most annoying Facebook friends you can possibly have.  Most attractive people are guilty of this to some degree, but a little bit is tolerable.  When it gets to "The Body" status, it's time to start culling the friends herd.  These are the guys and girls who's photo album consists about 90% of pictures of them, standing in front of a mirror, taking self-shots of their body.  For guys, it's usually shirtless and flexing.  For girls, it's usually in underwear or some super-tight top with their tits almost popping out.  The other 10% of their pictures, by the way, are probably all them making duck faces at their cameras at every shitty club and douchebag hangout spot they've ever been to.

The "Gangsta" - U kNo DeEz 1's CuZ dEy B tAlKiN lIkE tHiS aLl Da TyMe N iT mAkEs Ur EyEs BlEeD 2 TrY n FoLlOw WuT dEy SaYiN & DeY nEvA uSe PuNcTuAtIoN oR pRoPeR gRaMmAr & $oMeTyMe$ tHrOw In DoLlA sIgNs 4 No ReA$oN cUz DeY bAlLeR.  Seriously, if you spent as much time learning stuff as you do watching Jersey Shore and Teen Mom and mastering the meticulous art of e-bonics, you'd be a fucking Doctor.  Also, stop taking pictures with $80 worth of 10's and 20's fanned out and thinking that you're "balling".

The Hacked Friend - "OMG, this girl killed herself after her dad saw THIS video!"  "Justin Beiber died today!  Watch the shocking video!"  "Can you believe she did THIS on camera!?"

"Hey everyone, I didn't post all those video links, I'm not sure what happened but don't click them!"

The Facebook DJ - Apparently, you're in a Godsmack mood today.  How do I know?  Because you just posted 10 videos of theirs in a row, it's filling up my entire news feed!  Now how am I supposed to know what my friend's horoscopes say???

"First-World Problems" - "Someone REALLY needs to explain to the barristas at the Starbucks on 9th that a chai tea with light skim milk means LIGHT skim milk, not half a cup of milk!  Ugh, my whole day is ruined now!"  I also like the truly terrible dilemmas like "I need to stop shopping so much, there's not enough room in my walk-in closet for all my outfits!"  My favorites though are the completely heartless first-world whines "No new anime for a year?  Thanks a LOT Japanese earthquake!"  or "Guess we won't be going on the cruise after all, stupid hurricane..."

Grandpa Hasn't Figured Out Facebook Yet -
"Google how do I send a message"
"Grandpa, you're on Facebook"
"Google, how do I reply to a message"
"Grandpa, this is Facebook, you're doing it wrong"
"Google, sending messages on Facebook"
"Grandpa, that's not how you do it!"
"Google, low-cost Cialis and Viagra"
"Oh God, FML..."

The "Like" Stalker - They never say anything themselves, but they sure like what other people have to say!

The Arguer - They're always looking to start a Facebook fight.  You post a status saying "Had the BEST breakfast today, scrambled eggs, bacon and pancakes, YUM!" and they reply with "Actually, waffles are better than pancakes..."  Yeah, well fuck you buddy, make a waffle out of that!

The Parents - Just when you think it's a good idea to post about how drunk and stoned you got at the party last night, or the hot chick you nailed in the bathroom at the bar you were drinking at, or the guy who had the biggest dick you ever saw and it totally stretched your vagina like a wallet made out of silly putty... here comes mom and/or dad to react with abject horror, disgust, disappointment or anger and completely kill the buzz...

Debbie Downer - Somewhere between a "Mr./Ms. Negativity" and a "Reposter" is the Debbie Downer.  They're always depressed and bumming on shit.  They love to break up a news feed full of jokes, funny videos and people posting generally cheery and upbeat shit to talk about their sick relatives, how awful they feel, repost one of those statuses about cancer or people with eating disorders or just basically anything that makes the little "Wah wahhh" sad trumpet sound go off in your head when you read it.  Hey, we all have bad days, but these guys apparently never have a good one.

The Nerd - They're the ones always posting articles about nano-technology, cars that drive themselves and robotic limbs.  They post videos of people who made laser clocks, electromagnets and stuff that involves liquid nitrogen.  You can read everything on their wall and pass an AP Physics class afterwards.  Oh, and also get completely caught up on every Star Trek series and Star Wars movie.  Nerds rule!

The Hot Girl/Guy -  They're only on your friend's list because they're hot.  You either barely know them or can barely stand them, but it doesn't matter because you just like to look at their bikini pics from their trip to Mexico last summer or their "check out my own butt" self-shots in their bathroom mirror.  There's a fine line between "Hot Girl/Guy" and "The Body", but you're biased towards acceptance because daddy likes what he sees.

The Impossibly Cool Friend - You like this guy or girl so much that you fucking hate them... well, almost!  These are the friends who are always doing the coolest shit, going to the coolest places and aren't even dicks about it.  They don't brag that they're on a cruise ship in the Bahamas, they're just on one and you can't even be mad at them for it.  They don't rub it in your face that they have the cutest BF/GF or spouse, they just do and as jealous as you are, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person.  They are humble and generous and nice people who everything seems to work out for.  You really want to be mad at them, but you just can't.

"My Kids are My Life!" - I get it, you're a proud parent.  I don't have kids, but I can understand the love that a parent must have for their child.  It's not that I'm hating on being proud parents, it's just that... well... don't you have any other interests in your life besides being a parent?  When we went to school together, you loved to party, hang out, watch movies, listen to good music, dance, sing and cause trouble.  Now you just live for whatever random thing your kids did today.  I get it, kids come first, but come on... your profile pictures folder is nothing but different pictures of your kids.  Under "interests and hobbies" you listed "My babies!"  Your favorite TV Shows are all cartoons and kid's shows.  It's going to be a sad day when your youngest finally moves out...

The Quiz-Taker - Similar to the "Farmville" player, only with quizzes.  Today they are 93% sexy, 89% in love, will most likely be the prom queen, their celebrity love match is either Justin Beiber or Taylor Lautner and they're 78% happy!  Oh, and their horoscope says it's going to be a great day and that they're going to meet someone in the afternoon who is special to them!  [hide all by Quizzes] [hide all by Am I Sexy?] [hide all by My Horoscope]...

The Joker -  You almost never see a serious post from this friend.  Everything is a joke, or can be made into one.  It's like "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon" only with humor.  Like, I can link any tragedy to something funny in six lines or less.  Here, I'll give you an example:  The holocaust - horrible tragedy that affected millions of Jews.  Another horrible tragedy that affected millions of Jews?  Bernie Madoff, who was the investor who's Ponzi scheme lost millions of dollars for... KEVIN BACON!

The Crush - You never get over the crush.  You're friends, maybe you're even close friends, but deep down you would be all over that in a second if you were both available... or if they would give you the time of day.  You got excited when you saw that they were on Facebook and you almost lost it when they accepted your friend request.  You try to play it cool and never say anything lame where they can see it, but maybe you try too hard?  Do you like their status, or would that seem too stalkerish?  But, what if you don't like their status and they notice and think you're being a dick?  Oh, and God help you when it's their birthday, what kind of Happy Birthday message do you even post on their wall?

The Uncomfortably Prejudiced Friend - Maybe an old schoolmate, co-worker or someone who friended you through a mutual friend.  They start off pretty cool and normal acting and then one day they drop a bomb about white supremacy or gays being an abomination from God or Mexicans flooding our borders like vermin that should be exterminated and it's like whoa, whoa, whoa!  Part of you immediately wants to purge them from your friend's list so that none of your intellectual friends see their comments and think you agree with them, but then part of you wants to see how far down this rabbit hole goes... It's a dilemma indeed.

The "Not Really My Friend" Friend - Someone that you met through a mutual friend who you only friended because you said something on your mutual friend's wall that they agreed with or thought was funny so they friend requested you and now there they are, commenting all over the stuff you say and not quite fitting in with your circle of Facebook friends.  They can easily turn out to be an Uncomfortably Prejudiced Friend or a Hyper-Religious Friend, you don't know because you don't know anything about them at all really.  Ugh, why did I click "accept"?

The Hyper-Religious Friend - I get it, you have accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior.  Really, I get it.  But, do all of your statuses have to be bible verses and prayers?  Almost like the "My Kids Are My Life!" friend, it's like they have a one-track mind.  Surely you have to have other interests in your life besides just Jesus?  I mean, do you like tacos?  What about Disneyland?  Cartoons?  Anything?  Also, you make me feel really awkward when I post some witty comment about anal sex and Jell-o pudding and you post a status immediately afterwards of the Lord's prayer...

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