WINNERS
The guy who hacked Scarlett Johansen's phone.
This dude is an American hero. Scarlett is one of the hottest women in Hollywood, that's pretty much a known fact, but she's kept her goods stashed better than a bag of weed in prison. We've seen some side boob and cleavage teasing in her movies before and who can forget the opening scene in "Lost in Translation" that's just her amazing ass in sheer panties? However, pay dirt has been disappointingly elusive, that is until now! Thankfully, some enterprising young technophile hacked into her phone and leaked a couple fuzzy, slightly blurry yet wonderfully naked pics of her to the Internets. I can only hope that, in an effort to provide some better-quality content, Scarlett breaks down and does a nude scene in a movie. I'm just saying, when you have a body that solid, it's a shame not to share it with your fans before you hit the wall and nobody gives a shit anymore. That's a trap that has claimed far too many once-beautiful actresses and I'm just hoping our Scarlett can avoid falling into it.
Oh, and because I'm not a liar:
Taco Bell
Yes, this just happened. In a move that will go down in history as the greatest thing to happen to stoners since the invention of the glass bong and Funyuns, Taco Bell has taken their partnership with Frito Lay to it's inevitable natural conclusion and created the Doritos Taco. It's a standard taco, only the shell is made out of Doritos instead of the regular crunchy corn tortilla. What's more, you have all the customization options of a regular taco, so the Dorito's taco with lava sauce, pepperjack sauce, green sauce and/or nacho cheese are all in play. I'm not sure if you can order a double-decker taco with the Doritos shell yet or not, but if you can, then that could very well be one of the signs of the apocalypse. I broke the hell out of my diet last Saturday to mack down 3 of these delicious sons a bitches and I gladly put in the extra time on the treadmill to make up for it.
Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.
I'm a big fan of "America's Got Talent". I love talent/singing shows in general, but I particularly like AGT because it showcases people with amazing talents and innovative performance ideas of all types, from ventriloquists and magicians to dancers and musicians to sword swallowers and stunt bike riders. I'm also a fan of the 3 judges, Pierce Morgan, Sharon Osbourne and Howie Mandel. I think it's a really entertaining show and I just dig it.
This season in particular was great because of this guy right here, Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. He was a car detailer at a dealership, making a meager wage and struggling to get by when he auditioned for the show just a few months ago. He walked humbly to the microphone and proceeded to belt out a classic Sinatra song in a crooner's voice that came straight out of the rat pack days of Vegas. The dude was amazing. You just don't hear anyone singing like this anymore. Since then, Landau's life has been like the plot of every cheesy rags to riches music star movie ever made. He went all the way to the very end and won the million dollar grand prize in last nights season finale episode. It was very much the "American Dream", that an average guy, struggling to make ends meet, with a tremendous gift of talent takes a long-shot chance to audition for a national talent competition and ends up winning it all. The look on his face when they announced he had won was priceless. This guy's life will never be the same, it's a great story and I'm all about it.
The Chicago Bears
In the words of my good friend, and biggest Bears fan in the world, Shawn O'Brien: "Smart move, saving your seat now before the bandwagon is full." I think this is going to be a great season for the Bears, but I'm backing them this year no matter what. The good thing about being a Bears fan is, even if you lose, you're still a Bears fan and there's never any shame in that (I'm looking at you, Eagles fans...)
Kendall Jenner
Pictured here (r) with two of her family's prize horses, Kendall Jenner is on the fast-track to causing her mother to change her last name back from Kardashian. At 16 years of age, she's already almost a foot taller than her equine half-siblings and about a mile and a half hotter. Seriously, Kim looks like a dude compared to her, and not a cute dude either, she looks like Bill Maher next to Kendall. In two more years, when Kendall's sex tape comes out, the entire country will collectively be saying "Kim who?" and all the playboy spreads and "leaked" interracial sex tapes in the world won't win us back, not even if she does anal this time. For passively striking the first fatal blow against the Kardashian "Why in the FUCK are these bitches famous??" dynasty by not only making a career doing something other than fucking on camera and hanging around celebrities but by also being legitimately hot and not just a horse face with a ghetto booty, Kendall is winner winner chicken dinner.
LOSERS
Pat Robertson
The guy who brought us "Katrina was caused by the gays", "The Haiti earthquake was caused by a deal with the devil", "9/11 was caused by the gays" and "God told me personally the world was gonna end this year (every year for the last 10)" is blazing up the charts with his newest hit "It's ok to divorce your spouse if they have Alzheimer's". Never mind the fact that there's no exceptions in the bible to "Till death do us part" and that divorce is still a sin according to bible law, Pat Robertson has decided that it's ok to divorce your spouse if they have Alzheimer's because they are "technically" already gone. He equated a person in the throws of Alzheimer's with someone already being dead. Isn't this the same guy who fought to keep Terry Schiavo's husband from pulling the plug on her? Isn't this the same guy who says life begins at conception? So, apparently, life begins the moment sperm meets egg, but it ends the moment they don't recognize you anymore. This guy has always been a sick, misguided piece of human excrement, but for once again completely failing to understand the most basic principles of the very book he wraps himself around in like a security blanket, he's a total loser. I'm convinced the only reason Robertson continues to live is because God doesn't want him back.
The Middle Class
Continuing an unbroken 30-year streak of consistently sucking hind tit, the middle class once again has been dealt another loss, courtesy of the people they elected to represent them. Obama's jobs bill was released this week and already the Republicans are shitting on it and pretty much dismissing half of what's in it. "We can't approve this proposal to create jobs, stimulate economic recovery and pay down the debt because it includes tax increases for rich people!" Over 14 million people unemployed, average wages down about 5% from where they were in 2007, inflation rising and the cost of health care skyrocketing. The middle class is failing and no one in government or the private sector gives a damn about it. The Republicans don't have to worry about building a fence on the border to keep people out, in a few more years no one will want to come in.
Democrats
You're running against a party that has created no jobs during record unemployment, done nothing to grow the economy during a 4-year long recession that was created under the Republican former president's administration, is actively working to weaken unions and the collective bargaining rights of American workers, supports tax breaks for companies who ship American jobs overseas, prioritizes banning gay marriage and abortion over getting American's back to work and saving the middle class from extinction, wants to increase payroll taxes for the middle class even though they signed a pledge to never raise taxes and is planning to once again refuse to negotiate with the president in any way that helps the country because it would mean having to slightly increase taxes on the richest people in the country AND, ON TOP OF ALL THAT you're running against the weakest Republican presidential primary field in modern history and there's still a good chance you won't keep the white house in 2012. You're like that video clip of the guy who's way ahead in a bike race and starts to throw his hands up in the air to celebrate on the way to the finish line, then loses control of his bike, wrecks and ends up coming in 2nd or some shit and looking like an asshole.
Here, this is you, Democrats:
That guy in second place who ends up winning? That's Rick Perry. Good job, Dems, you're terrible.
Alright, I'm done for today. I'm all pissed off because I'm not having sex with Scarlett Johansen, I can't eat a 12 pack of Doritos tacos, I don't have a job and I don't have Alzheimer's to make me forget about all of those things. I'm going to go eat an apple and pretend I'm Scarlett's toilet seat.
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