5. Luis Guzman
"I'm the ultimate Latin Lover. There ain't no Latin Lover like me."
Luis Guzman, as Maurice TT Rodriguez, steals every scene he's in. From the single-shot opening scene, to his repeated attempts to get Jack Horner to cast him in one of his films so that he can show his brothers back home "Look at me, and all the beautiful women I've been with." It's funny when he finally gets his chance to be in a film by playing the bartender at the bar/resturant that Brock and Chest hang out in, but it's even funnier after watching the deleted scene where he actually got a chance to do a scene with Rollergirl but couldn't deliver after all his shit talk to get the shot in the first place. "We gonna take a picture later!" Dude fucking owns.
4. This Entire Scene
"I'm not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all"
This scene is fucking crazy. From Cosmo and his fucking firecrackers, to Alfred Molina (who my girlfriend insists looks just like my uncle, and I don't really disagree), to the insane look on Mark Wahlberg's face when the camera just holds on him about to have a heart attack because they just sold a guy a kilo of baking soda and he just wants to get the hell out of there before he finds out and has no idea Todd is about to try and rob dude, but especially the two songs that play during this scene - "Sister Christian" and "Jesse's Girl". This is easily the best scene in the whole movie, and it doesn't even involve a titty. However, speaking of titties...
3. Julianne Moore as Amber Waves
"This is a giant cock."
Even if you don't like gingers, and really who does,. Julianne Moore is awesome. She's an amazing actress, made lots of great movies, did a ridiculously hot bunch of lesbian beat off badassery with Amanda Seyfried in Chloé, but she got down in Boogie Nights. All I can say is two words:
Yeah, it's a review of a movie about porn and I said NSFW in the title, AND you have to click an adult content warning before you get here, so it's about time I take advantage of it. Besides, if you think that's bad, wait till you see the #2 reason...
2. Heather Graham as Rollergirl
"Oh goody, are we gonna fuck? Alright, let's do it!"
How can you not love Heather Graham? So many hot actresses have great bodies and amazing racks and just let them go to waste with their stupid "morality clauses" bullshit, but not Heather. She knows what daddy likes, and she delivers.
"I never take my skates off. And don't fucking cum in me..."
"Aim it at her tits, Eddy..."
And of course, if you've watched Boogie Nights, you already know what the #1 best fucking part of the entire movie is, without question, without a doubt, you know what's going to be below these words without me even having to put it there. In fact, I almost want to not put it there just so you can guess and be right, but just to prove that you are, in fact, correct, here it is:
1. You Got the Touch
After all is said and done,
You never walk, you never run,
You're a winner.
You got the moves, you know the streets
Break the rules, take the heat,
You're nobody's fool.
You're at your best when the goin gets rough
You been put to the test, but it's never enough...
You got the touch!
"You think the bass is taking away from the vocal?" It's more epic than titties, more epic than 70's chicks doing coke, more epic than my crazy uncle shooting up a drug deal gone bad. This song makes me want to do everything in a fucking montage. It's so awesome, I almost completely forgot that it was the theme song to The Transformer's Movie in 1986...
Oh fuck, you mean this was actually a serious song at one time?
Yes, yes it was.
Go watch Boogie Nights right now, you deserve it.