Hey kids, sorry for leaving you lost and in the dark for the last couple days, but Uncle Dave had to finally break down and let his loving girlfriend of 16 years finally make an honest woman out of him. That's right, I am officially among the ranks of the walking dead, the neutered masses, the ball and chained, the soulless half-men, the great spouseketeers, the insignificant others... but, most importantly, daddy's got health insurance now!
That's right, I am officially among the millions of lucky individuals in this country with adequate health insurance. And, 24 hours into this, I have already lost all my sympathy for people without it. Get a job or marry a girl with a good job like I did, you lazy fucks! DOWN WITH OBAMACARE! That's right, I'm officially a conservative soccer mom, experessing misguided outrage about what the government does with my husbands paycheck, as if I'm the one who earned that money. Yep, I'm going to refer to myself as a taxpayer while I sit on the couch watching Fox and Friends. I'm going to wake up at noon and bitch about all the lazy freeloaders out there draining the system that *I* pay into. As we speak, I'm getting my "Preserve the Family, Vote NO on Gay Marriage" bumper sticker to put on my car, as well as the little stick figures that represent my spouse and I, as well as our little doggies because we don't have any kids - YET! Oh man, I'm going to have kids and raise them with the TRUTH! That global warming is a myth, that science is just a fancy way for dumb people to pretend that there's no God, that creationism is proven fact... I mean, hey, if you want to have a monkey for an uncle, go ahead, but I'm descended from God's own fiery loins. I can't wait to have kids so I can HOMESCHOOL them! You heard me, I'm going to teach my children the lessons the SECULAR school system doesn't want them to learn! I'm going to teach them all about how bullshit "modern science" is, how all the answers can be found in the bible, a little bit of math (because I'm not that good at the hard stuff), and the REAL U.S. history, that teaches us that the United States was founded as a CHRISTIAN society, it specifically says so in the constitution after all. Most importantly, I'm going to make sure I deprive them of any social interraction with other children in their peer group, except the ones that go to my church, because other kids who aren't being raised in the church with good, Christian values are just going to infect my children with sin and evil, and besides, they're all going to hell anyway if they don't get saved, so why even waste time getting to know them? The last thing I need is some dirty heathen child giving my kids a Britney Spears CD or worse yet, a HARRY POTTER book! No sir, none of that evil witchcraft in this house! If my kids want to read a book, they're already hooked up... I got Bill O'Reilly's "The Factor for Kids" all loaded up in my shopping cart, just waiting for their 8th birthday, when they're old enough to read words not printed in the bible, and then I'm shipping that thing overnight express.
Also, as an official conservative housewife, I'm going to stop pretending that Glen Beck isn't speaking the absolute truth every time he opens his mouth. I'm sick of listening to the liberal media and it's relentless campaign to discredit the gospel according to fathers Beck and Hannity. Too long have I lived with the wool over my eyes, but no longer! The stuff they say is easy to remember and makes perfect sense as long as you don't think about it too much or allow yourself to accept that there might be a sensible counter-argument of any kind to it, and that's good enough for me to repeat on Facebook to all the other wives while I'm getting Starbucks on the way to my hair appointment. Searching for the "liberal spin" to every fair and balanced story is so tiring, and all it does is make you angry anyway, and we all know what being tired and angry does to your skin. Not for me, thanks, I gotta keep my girl happy and between homeschooling the kids, getting dinner ready and pampering myself with shopping and salon appointments all day, I don't have time to root through the whole internets to find out my news. Fox gives me short, sweet, easy to digest nuggets of truth that I can remember no matter how much wine I've had to drink before noon, and that's just the way daddy likes it now. I don't have time to get all political and think for myself anymore, and with Fox News, I don't have to!
Of course, I'm going to have to make sure my hunny trades in our foreign commie car for an American-made SUV. With gas approaching $5 a gallon, I can't very well bitch about how the Arabs are screwing us at the pump if I'm not dropping a franklin every time I fill up. Besides, what if I'm texting someone and I accidentally rear end the car in front of me? Anything less than a suburban and I might get injured. No way, my family is too important to me not to have us driving a nice, big SUV with TVs and a DVD player so we can watch good, wholesome cartoons while I drive all over town running errands. I don't care what the liberals say, the recession is over, and that means we can afford a new SUV and dammit we're going to get one, even if our bank did raise interest rates thanks to all those lazy Mexicans who bought houses they couldn't afford and wrecked the economy in the first place. Oh, and don't even get me started on those teachers! Can you believe the nerve? I mean, if I can buy a couple workbooks and homeschool my kids with just a highschool diploma, I don't see how some greedy teacher deserves $50,000 a year to do the same thing. Nowhere in the bible does it say that I should care about other people, especially when they aren't teaching Christian values. Maybe if they would stop preaching the lies of evolution and global warming, and trying to tell kids that being gay is ok they wouldn't be having so much trouble getting their money. Nobody wants to pay some greedy teacher to spread a bunch of lies anymore. This is the dawn of a new age in America. It's time for us decent, hard-working Christian Conservatives to raise up and take back our country from the secular progressives who want to send us down the primrose path to hellfire and damnation. It's been written, it's all there in the bible in black and white. There would come a man of great charisma and he would deceive millions and be the antichrist... now, if that's not Obama then I don't know who it is. I mean, who else is in a position of being able to speak to millions of people every night and have them believe every word he says? Exactly, ONLY Obama! He's already told so many lies, about being born in America, about not being a Muslim... you know he's not even fully black? Oh, but he'll sure pretend he's black to get elected president off of affirmative action alright! So many lies, it's really scary to think that we're at the end times, but all the signs are there. The sea is like blood thanks to those liberals and their environmental laws that made drilling on land so hard to do that the oil companies had to go way offshore into water that was too deep. The sky is clogged with pollution, thanks again to those liberals and their opposition to clean nuclear energy. Strife is rampant, thanks to the liberals and their socialist, nanny state policies that raise taxes on the rich and the small business owners and force them to lay people off so that we can all pay for lazy people on welfare to sit around and smoke crack and have babies and raise them to be criminals and parasites just like they are. Oh that reminds me, they should start giving drug tests to people on welfare, then maybe we wouldn't see so many crackheads getting welfare checks and spending their food stamps on drugs.
Oh, but look at me. I could sit here and talk all day about how turning away from God and good, conservative values is what's ruining our country, but I gotta get the dishes done so I can start making dinner before the Mrs. gets home. Gonna watch the big 3 on Fox - Bill, Glen and Sean - then maybe a little American Idol, but if the songs are too racy it's going right to PAX. Maybe we'll start working on that family tonight! I can't wait to have a house full of little Christian soldiers! Oh God is good! Bless you all and strengthen you with HIS love!