Sunday, March 6, 2011

Ode to the Juggalo.

I'm feeling kind of light-hearted today.  Maybe it's my impending nuptuals tomorrow, or my general upbeat and comic attitude... or maybe it's the really weird fucking dream I had this morning about being the guy who carries Hugh Hefner's pills for him so he never gets busted for holding and somehow ending up in a trailer park where he was trying to get some juggalo chicks to wash their makeup off so he could see if they were hot enough to join his stable of playboy hoes and I kept giving them adderalls and viagra and tequila shots, and then one of them puked and I woke up with a semi-wood and the feeling like I just got caught beating off by my grandma... whatever the reason, juggalos are on my mind and since they make me laugh and I want to make you laugh too, I'm going to share them with you.

So, to answer the first question some of you might have... What the fuck is a Juggalo?

A Juggalo is a fan of the group Insane Clown Posse.  They often wear makeup and dress like members of the group, but usually they just wear whatever is on the top of the dirty clothes pile and smear a bunch of white and black greasepaint on their mugs and call it a day.  Here, example!

Note the 2-liter bottle of Faygo orange soda the front Juggalo is holding.  Faygo is a regional cheap-ass soda brand, popular with the members of ICP, and thus with their fans.  You can also see something else noteworthy in this pic, the presence of inexplicably attractive females that seem to be drawn towards some Juggalos.  Apparently, being a cute guy still trumps being a total wannabe fucking makeup wearing douchebag with absolutely horrible taste in music and fashion, not that I'm jealous...

So, basically, a Juggalo is 1 part wigger, 1 part trailer trash, 1 part Kiss fan and 3 parts sugar, grease and weed.  With me so far?  Good, let's move on.

Now, not all Juggalos wear makeup.  Some express their alleigance through sheer attitude:

"Hi, I'm Glen Danzig's sister."

Devillock, gruff ass goatee, lip piercings and pigtails.  Either this guy is the mysterious "5th Misfit" who went Syd Barrett on the group and resurfaced 25 years younger and in the middle of gender reassignment, or he's just a dude who loves clowns that rap.

"Damn, you got small man boobs for a Juggalo... Wait, those are REAL boobs!"

Yes, there are, in fact, female Juggalos.  I was just as surprised as you are now when I found this out.  Even more surprised when I discovered that not all of them were hiddeous hog jowls either.  Take this young lady for example.  Under that makeup, she's probably downright cute.  Also, now you know that if you're willing to paint yourself up like a jerkoff, you can probably fingerbang her asshole while she smokes your weed.  Normally, it would be hard to write all that down on a name tag, but a little face paint says a hundred words.

"Fuckin' deoderant, how does that work?"

See, basically, all you have to do is look like you buy or sell meth out of your parents trailer and you got the Juggalo look down.  Sure, if you're "rich" you can buy the facepaint and the T-shirts and all the Faygo you can spray on a whores ass and titties, but really as long as you can afford an ICP CD and a sack, you're in the club.

Thought I was kidding about the ass and titties thing, didn't you?

Aww, Juggaluv!

Notice how every female Juggalo has to be holding a lit cigarette at all times?  It's part of the bad girl image you should expect from some no holds barred bitches who love fat dudes rapping about killing people.  I'm guessing they jaywalk too... no fuck that, they Silent J Walk, oh fucking snap, you see what I did there?  No?  Ok, well the two guys in ICP are Shaggy 2 Dope and Silent J you see, and... you know, it's not as funny when you have to explain it... MOVING ON!

"We're ready to do some homework and succeed in life, yo."

The plus side to Juggalo culture is that you can immediately identify who the kids were who broke into your car last week, stole your stereo, and left black and white smudges and sticky fingerprints all over everything.  Another plus, their parents don't have to worry about "juggling" (humor, ah ah ah) bumper space between the ICP stickers and the "My child was student of the month at blah blah blah middle school", that's just never a problem for some reason...

Aww, a little Juggalo soldier taken too soon.  I was debating whether or not posting this pic would be in poor taste, but then I thought wait a minute, look at the fucking parents... look at the fucking coffin!  It looks like they buried their kid in an ICP igloo cooler.  This little guy didn't die, he took his own life when he realized the legacy he was doomed to inherit.  Besides, by now, these two already have 3 more kids with a 4th on the way.  Nobody even cries for "Lil Shaggy" anymore.

Say Whaaaaaaat?

Tila Tequila ain't no Juggalo!  What's she doing singing on stage at an ICP music festival?  Titties or no titties, this isn't going to end well at all...
Told ya... I told ya... I told ya... Told ya...

Poor Tila, she fell victim to a violent uprising of Juggalos at the infamous "A Gathering of Juggalos" festival last year.  Crazy right?  Apparently, even ICP fans have a threshold for talentless hackery, and Tila didn't make it.  How bad are you when you whip your titties out to a crowd of sexually repressed stoners with an average IQ in the double digits and they STILL want to fucking kill you?

"Juggaluv, it's drivin' me mad, it's makin' me crazy, crazy..."

I can smell the BO on that dude through my screen.  It smells like hot garbage and vinegar, mixed with tobacco smoke and Axe body spray.  Again though, inexplicable not-hoggish chick in full face paint mode.  Her makeup says "I'm a cheap fuck", her bikini top says "Just give me a couple beers" and her shorts say "You might want to do me in the ass though, my vag is kind of yeasty right now..."

Ok, now this is more like it.  Dropped the 3 kids off at their daddy's houses, got my new man with me and we're gonna go see some fucking ICP extreme wrestlin' and I'm gonna let the girls get a little sun, show off mah jugs and mah Juggalo tats.  Goin' be a pretty good little Sunday!  Fuck you lookin' at bitch?  Don't be hatin' on my cuz your man can't stop starin'!  Don't hate me cuz you ain't me, bitch!  OH HELL NAW!  Bitch it's on!  Soon as I have my baby, I'm comin' back here and kickin' your ass!

"Hi, I'm Doug, these are my friends Greg and Steve.  We're interns at the accounting firm of... NAW I'm just fuckin' with you!  Who's got the weed?  I'm trying to get HIGH in this bitch!  Dude, think we could tag team that bitch over there?  She's into us right?  I mean, she wouldn't be standing there if she wasn't, right?"

Oh God, I could do this all day.  I need to start a second blog just for making captions under Juggalo pictures.  It's fun!

Oh. Fuck.  GI JUGGALOS! 

Maybe I'm being a little hasty with all my "Bring the soldiers back home" rhetoric...

Here we see the Juggalo in it's natural habitat - abject squalor.  This is a picture taken from the "Gathering of Juggalos" event, and it pretty much sums up what we're dealing with here.  You got a good 1:3 girl/guy representation ratio, enough salt to preserve a pharoah and over a pound of weed between 14 people.  Looks like they're all set for an evening of... hmm.. I have no idea what goes on at one of these things besides Tila Tequila getting assaulted and ICP eventually headlining... I assume there's some wrestling or people sticking shit through their cheek meat or something?  I'm definitely betting there's a face-painting booth or two out there, and a day care area for the kids.  Clearly no showers or running water of any kind though.

Aha, I was right!  There IS a play area for the kids!  I think this is also serving as the staging area for the "Ms. Juggalo" beauty contest.  Mmm... who doesn't want a girl who smells like Camel's and farts who you know is going to blast some ICP while you get her pregnant for the 5th time?  "I'm enjoyin' my smokes while I can, cuz as soon as I hit the 8th month, I'm quittin'... you know... for the baby."

Ok, Ok, I'm getting carried away with myself here.  I haven't even begun to scratch the surface though, so I hope you're ready for an ongoing series on the habits and habitats of the domestic Juggalo, cuz I got a backlog of material just waiting to go.  For now, I will leave you with one last image, lest you think entrepreneurism among the Juggalo community is a dead concept:

Seriously, $25 a quarter?  Ah, I shouldn't knock the guy for selling ditch ass dirt weed, at least he's got a job!

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