Friday, April 1, 2011

The news is a bunch of shit heads.

Shocking, I know.

It isn't as if I haven't known this for ever, or you if you're reading this, but sometimes it just especially burns my ass how ridiculous, out of touch and outright deceptive the news can be.  No, I'm not talking about Fox News, at this point anyone who actually believes their intelligence-insulting "Fair and Balanced" slogan is either a completely dyed in the wool, unreachable conservative or mildly retarded.  Saying Fox News is biased is like saying tits are awesome, like who doesn't already know that?  No, I'm talking about the nightly news, NBC, ABC and CBS.  First off, if you think any of the nightly news outlets have a liberal bias, then you probably also think Fox News is fair and balanced, and you might want to adjust your chin strap.  NBC really has a liberal bias when they're owned by GE - you know, the huge corporate machine that generated $14 Billion with a "B" in profit last year and not only paid $0 in taxes, but actually received $3.2 Billion with a "B" (as in "Boy, I'm sure glad the struggling middle class has to carry the entire fucking country on their backs while greedy corporate assholes avoid paying taxes, lay off 5% of their employees, take huge bonuses and ship more jobs overseas, YAY FOR TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS, IT SURE FUCKING CREATES JOBS DOESN'T IT?") in tax bonuses...  That's right, last year, not only did GE make $11 billion in base profits, but the government actually gave them #3.2 billion more in tax rebates, so they ended up making nearly 40% of their total profit last year from your tax dollars.  Put another way, you know how states are freaking out over not having enough money in their budgets to pay all the teachers that work in their schools, so they want to break up their unions, cut their pay and benefits and lay off thousands more teachers on top of that?  Well, $3.2 billion would completely eliminate the budget shortfall in the largest counties in California, saving literally hundreds of jobs and millions of dollars in teachers salaries and benefits... AKA "saving middle class jobs".  And that's just from what ONE COMPANY received just in tax bonuses.  Now, if GE would have had to actually pay the 35% corporate tax rate that they completely dodged thanks to vast corporate tax loopholes, that would have generated enough tax revenue to solve the budget problems for nearly half the public schools in the state.  But instead, we have a bunch of fucking assholes on TV telling us how greedy teachers are... TEACHERS.  You know, the people who work and pay ALL their income taxes just like you do?  THEY'RE the greedy ones, not the corporations who didn't pay a single fucking penny in taxes.  Oh, and since GE didn't pay one cent in taxes last year and got an extra $3.2 billion in free money out of your pocket on top of that, they probably hired a bunch of new workers and expanded their operations right?  Isn't that what tax cuts for the wealthy do, create jobs?  I mean, what possible other reason could there be to give billion dollar corporations billions of your dollars on top of what they already profited?  Well, guess what, GE laid off 5% of its work force last year.  So, not only did they make over $14 billion in profit, they laid off thousands of middle class employees, swelling the already high unemployment rate, putting more working class families out of work during a recession... oh, and earning nice fat bonuses for their executives and huge dividends for their top shareholders.  FEEL THAT WEALTH TRICKLING DOWN YET CONSERVATIVES?  Please lecture me more about how the rich need tax cuts to save and create jobs, boost the economy and create opportunities for the average American.  It's all good though, we'll just buttfuck teachers and public employees, because those greedy bastards have been living high on the hog with their middle class salaries and benefits packages that are bafflingly so "lavish" and "extravagant" today, when 30 years ago they were the standard for a middle class employee.  I love how you stupid fucks are so beaten and trained by your greedy masters that you actually think a 401k, comprehensive health and dental plans and more than 2 weeks of paid vacation a year is "extravagant."  Oh, not to mention an average salary of $40-50k a year... or roughly what the CEO of GE spent on Thai hookers last month.  Ah, who am I kidding, conservatives won't listen to any of this, they're too busy pretending they're just millionaires going through a rough patch.  They're like that one bitch in the trailer park who has been living there for 14 years but treats everyone else like shit and keeps saying it's only a "temporary situation" and any day now she's going to be moving into a nice place of her own and then fuck all you trashy bastards cuz she's got goals!

So anyway, what does all that have to do with the news being shit heads?  Well, GE owns NBC and do you think NBC is reporting the actual news about this bullshit?  Of course not.  Sure, they reported that GE paid nothing in taxes and got over $3 billion of your money on top of that, but they immediately played a clip of GE's CEO defending his company, saying that the reason GE got that tax money was because last year was "hard on the company" and it was part of the stimulus relief... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Oh yeah, he also took a shit on everyone's head in the room and said it was brown snow, and they caught snowflakes on their tongue and made snowmen with little corn eyes and a peanut nose.  So, let me get this straight, making a paltry $11 billion in profit is "hard times" and deserves a $3.2 billion stimulus boost, just so you can lay off 5% of your workforce on top of that?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the point of the stimulus to SAVE jobs?  Aren't these companies getting all this taxpayer money so they WON'T lay off employees and make cuts to wages and benefits?  I don't know, I'm just a business and accounting major who aced the fuck out of every economics class I took, so maybe I don't understand this fancy smancy stock market as well as my conservative friends who insist that somehow all of this is good for the economy and ultimately the middle class, so perhaps one of you can explain it to me.  To me though, it looks like a corporate cash grab and all the makings of a banana republic.  You know, I keep using that term a lot lately without defining it, so HERE YOU GO.

So anyway, NBC gives a little jab at it's parent company and then immediately goes to the defense clips to offset what they just reported, and the best part is not only did this jerkoff actually say GE deserved your money more than you do because $11 billion in profit was barely enough to get by on, but then he went on to say that GE was going to "help push for legislative changes to the tax system to close loopholes and prevent this kind of abuse of the system in the future."

Just let that sink in for a minute...

"Hey, I'm sorry I raped you, but I'm going to go right to my local congressman and push to get tougher laws passed to keep me from raping you again!  Until then, I'll keep raping you of course, because... well... I'm a fucking rapist and that's what I do... but I won't enjoy it, knowing that I'm just taking advantage of a loophole that allows me to keep on raping you whenever I want... Ok, I'll enjoy it a little, and really you kind of asked for it, being born with a vagina and all..."

So, NBC gives it's bosses a pass on fucking you out of about $7 billion in tax revenue, money that could have helped states close budget gaps and saved jobs.  And no one really even talks about it, or any of the other megacorps who made billions in profit last year, paid little or no taxes at all and still laid off thousands of your friends and neighbors.  You know what they did talk about though?  This fucking dick:

I'm a snaaake...
This Goddamn dick licker got more airtime on the nightly news tonight than GE fucking you up your wallet-anuses.  A shit ass balls snake.  "Oh, but he's a cobra!"  He could be fucking Cobra Commander for all I care, he ain't saving a single fucking job, except maybe the dude who found him before he bit some kid.  NBC, you suck a goat's hairy ass.

ANOTHER reason the news is a bunch of shit heads?  This time I go to our local Fox affiliate with their hard-hitting exposé on radiation in milk!  OH MY SHIT ASS BALLS GOD!  Radiation levels, 5000 times below the level that the FDA considers harmful, were found in milk samples tested in CA and WA today.  STOP THE PRESSES!  Do they even use presses anymore?  Oh yeah, that's right, the newspaper industry is dead.  STOP THE INTERNETS!!!  So, minute, trace, barely registerable levels of radiation from Japan made their way across the Pacific and turned up in some cow's titties.  First, some quick facts about this radiation... The radiation in question is radioactive Iodine.  Now, for those of you who aren't nuclear physicists, or who didn't watch the same news report I did tonight, radioactive Iodine has a "half-life" of 8 days.  What does that mean?  Well, a half-life is the amount of time before a radioactive material loses half of it's potency, so the samples that are 5000 times below dangerous levels today?  They will be 10,000 times below dangerous levels in a week from today.  By the time that milk gets to your supermarket shelves, there will be more radiation pumping out of the lights that illuminate the milk coolers.  What's awesome is, they tell you all of this in the report... AFTER they tease with the headline "Radiation detected in milk in CA and WA, what dangers does this pose to you and your family?"  The answer is NONE!  NO FUCKING DANGER AT ALL!  Oh, but don't let that stop you from freaking out and totally overreacting because that's what people tend to do when they hear part of a sensationalized headline and then decide how to react before even getting all the facts.  Sure enough, after they explain all the stuff I just wrote about how this radiation poses absolutely no threat whatsoever, they cut to "man on the street" footage of ordinary people around town freaking out and saying they "probably won't be buying any milk for a long time now" because of this news, and how "sure, they say it's safe, but can you really trust what anyone says anymore?"  YES DUMBASS, you can trust the FD FUCKING A, and when they say there's no way you can possibly be harmed from the miniscule radiation in this milk, that your cellphone puts out thousands of times more radiation and you stick that right up to your fucking face.  Yes, you can trust them.  Who can you NOT trust?  The shitbags on the news who got you all worked up over nothing just so you'd stay tuned in through the commercial break because they get paid by their advertisers and getting you all worked up keeps you from changing the channel.

You know what DOES contain dangerous levels of radiation, toxins and chemicals though?  Most of the tap water in the country.  Here, you want to sleep good tonight?  Check out THIS SITE.  Enter your zip code and click the "Drinking Water" link under the "All About Your Neighborhood" heading.  If your water scores over a 5/10, I'll come to your house and suck your dick slash pussy, because chances are whatever fluids come spraying out of there will be a hundred times safer than the drinking water in my town.  The water where I live scored a 1/10.  That's like 2 levels below goat piss.  My tap water contains 4 chemicals, two radioactive, that are present in levels that exceed the standards for safe consumption.  The water in my home town has 9 chemicals that are present in unsafe levels.  That's 9 with a NINE.  All of the toxic contaminants in both of those water samples are known to cause cancer.  And the news is trying to get us scared about some fucking weak ass, not even harmful MILK?  Shit, if they really wanted to scare the fuck out of us, they'd do a report on tap water!  But, that wouldn't be something they could indirectly blame on the Japanese and use to fuel the xenophobic ignorance necessary to maintain a healthy dose of nationalist dip-shittery in the general populus.  So, instead we get sensationalized bullshit, completely falsified scare pieces and baseless drama packaged as "news."  What really goat-pisses me off about this story in particular though is that it's knee-jerk "scare the morons" crap like this that gets people to boycott milk products, and where I live, dairies are a large part of the local economy.  If people stop drinking milk because some shit head news reports imply that there's a reason to be worried about it, then that hurts dairymen, cuts into their revenue, results in layoffs, puts more people out of work and sends ripples throughout the whole local economy.  I saw less reports done about the Mexican cheese that was actually killing motherfuckers than I have about the complete non-story about this radiation in the milk  Oh, but I guess it was just Mexicans dying from the cheese, so who cares right?  Just like the Chinese food and toys that had lethal levels of lead that I saw maybe one report about.  Who gives a shit if it's foreigners dying from stuff that's actually harmful, but let one white bitch get a trace amount of radioactive Iodine in her white chocolate latté, extra foam, and the shit hits the fan!

Just remember all the toxic contaminants in your tap water when you're brushing your teeth tomorrow, or boiling water to make dinner for your family.  Actually, just take a few minutes and check out all the handy info on that site I linked.  I'm sure you won't feel like crawling into the fetal position and waiting for the sweet release of death at all.

So, in conclusion, if you are more aware of the last thing Charlie Sheen said than the last thing our president said about our troops in Iraq, Afghanistan or Lybia.  If you can name more cast members from The Jersey Shore than you can name Supreme Court justices.  If you are more outraged by what a teacher makes than what a CEO does.  If you are more afraid of a glass of milk than talking on your cellphone.  If you think the middle east and their oil prices are to blame for the high prices you're paying at the pump.  If you're more scared of a fucking cobra in the Bronx Zoo than you are of the Koch Brothers.  If you hear the term "Large, exotic region, ravaged by natural disaster and rampant infection and populated with poor, desparate blacks" and you think of Kim Kardashian's ass instead of Haiti.  If you know more about the people competing on Dancing With the Stars than you do about the people competing for the GOP presidential nomination... Thank your friends in the news media.  They work hard at keeping you distracted, ignorant, worried about the wrong shit, not worrying about the important shit, misinformed, and disinterested.  They put a lot of effort into making sure you don't put any effort into learning about what's really important in the world.  They have rich bosses to protect, economically destructive cash grabs to cover up, large segments of the middle class to keep at odds with each other and bills to pay.  We'll be right back with sports and the accuview weather report...

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