Yep, it's about lunch time, and I'm sitting here hungry as balls and thinking about all the delicious stuff that I could eat and I was like ok, I guess I could blog about this, why the hell not? The great thing about living in America is all the wonderful, awful fast food that we have access too and how it has turned the simple task of deciding what to have for lunch into a brain-melting nightmare of indecision. So, to help make that decision a little easier, I present to you Dave's choice for the best things to order at fast food places. Your stomach will thank me later and your arteries are already writing me hate mail.
Double Double, Animal Style, In n Out.
In n Out, sorry about your luck kid, maybe you should re-evaluate the shitholes you reside in. For everyone else who does live near an In n Out, you're already deciding to have one of these bad boys just from seeing this picture. That's how good In n Out is, you just see a picture of it, or hear someone talking about it and you're like oh fuck yeah, I'm gonna go get me some right now. So, what makes this fucker such a warlock of deliciousness? Tempt your fuckin tummy's boys and girls. First off, you have two mustard-grilled burger patties. What that means is they take the patty, slap mustard on it, then fry that shit so the mustard crusts all into the meat and make it taste like I don't even know what... angel labias or something. It's beefy and delicious but with a little zingy kick from the mustard, it's just great that's all. Second, see those little golden-brown nuggets in that layer of melted cheese up at the top there? Those are grilled onions. When you order a burger animal style, everyone in the place knows someone is about to get hooked up because they start grilling those onions and the smell cruises out from the kitchen and sits on your face and starts to wiggle. Third, see all that pink shit slopping out of the bottom? That's In n Out's secret sauce, called simply "spread", and it makes McDonald's secret sauce look like man gravy. Order your burger animal style and they go apeshit on the spread, with the wonderful pictured results. You will need some napkins for an animal style burger, but that's what makes a great burger, sloppy goodness. Next, see that golden mass of melted awesome that's housing all those carmelized chunks of oniony bad-assery? Fuck yeah son, that's real American cheese. "Sweet land of liiii-bertyyyy..." Holy ass cocks, I can taste this thing, my mind-buds are so perfectly attuned to the flavorgasm that is this burger that I have like taste memory and shit. Ok, next we have pickles. Normally not a big deal, pretty standard on most burgers, but at In n Out pickles are optional. Not on an animal style burger though, the only option on an animal style burger is how many of these babies are you gonna cram in your food hole. Those are good ass pickles too, no shitty end pieces with little bits of stem on them, no gross half-brown sickly slices. Lastly, it's all wrapped up in a perfectly-toasted bun. Just toasted enough to keep the sauce and juices from soaking in and turning the bun into pink dough, but not so toasted that it's like eating croutons. This thing is perfection, period. I purposely excluded the lettuce and tomato because frankly those just take up room in the burger that could be better used to hold 2 more beef patties and slices of cheese. 4x4 ANIMAL STYLE BITCHES! Order this burger with fries animal style and go enjoy your non-stop mouth orgy of awesomeness. What are fries animal style you say? Oh, nothing much, just fries with melted cheese, spread and grilled onions slathered on top. Sounds gross? Maybe. Looks gross? Definitely. Tastes? Like God came in your mouth.
The Double Down, KFC.
Morgan Spurlock made a documentary called "Supersize Me" about the extremely unhealthy nature of fast food in America. In the wake of this film, many fast food resturants - including and especially McDonald's, who was prominently targetted in the movie - made a number of changes to their menus. Smaller sides, low-calorie options, the removal of some of the worst, most unhealthy items from their menus altogether, and most notably the increased addition of nutritional information that has now resulted in most fast food places showing calorie counts next to each item. It seemed as though the fast food industry was turning a new chapter and American fast food places were finally following the lead set by their overseas chains by cooking healthier and providing more healthy options for customers. However, one thing about America though... Corporate America is like a bratty kid, in that when a kid gets in trouble, they apologize and act contrite and go through the motions of changing their behavior, but as soon as they realize they aren't being watched like a hawk anymore, they slowly start going back to their old ways until not only are they just as bad as they were when they first got in trouble, they're actually even worse. Case in point, KFC. Back when all the fast food hullabaloo started, KFC was still called Kentucky Fried Chicken. After the mock outrage over unhealthy fast food hit, "OMG, we had NO IDEA that a double quater pounder and a lb of fries with a 44oz coke was bad for you!" KFC went through a re-imaging of sorts. First, they announced that they were using cooking oil without trans-fats, finally achieving the standards set in Europe like a decade or so ago. Next, they decided it was time to rebrand the name. Somehow, Kentucky Fried Chicken was seen as a polarizing name... I dunno, what about southern fried chicken, served primarily in and to low-income areas and families, with an old, white plantation owner as your mascot seems polarizing or controversial? I don't get it... But, at any rate, those hyper-sensitive PC liberal homos decided that maybe a name change was in order. They were smart enough to realize that "KFC" was how they were known, so they had to try a name that still used those familiar initials. Thus followed the incredibly short-lived reign of "Kitchen Fresh Chicken." That's right, in an attempt to rebrand themselves as a healthier resturant, KFC trademarked and began an ad campaign where they would now be known as "Kitchen Fresh Chicken." Needless to say, that movement didn't even last the summer. The public basically laughed KFC back to the drawing board, where they decided if they couldn't shake the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" legacy, they could at least sweep it mostly under the rug, and thus they became simply "KFC." Yes, KFC was ready to jump on the bandwagon of healthier, more responsible fast food with both feet.
That was sooo 2000's...
Towards the end of the first decade of the new millenium, fast food companies started to realize that the eagle eye of healthy eating advocacy groups was turning away from them. Morgan Spurlock had long since been paid off to stop doing anti-fast food exposé's, and frankly I think that whole thing was just a scam in the first place, secretly funded by McDonalds and other fast food companies to give them an excuse to stop selling such huge fry and soda sides so they could charge the same price for 30% less product and say they were looking out for the health of their customers... as if that's ever been a factor in any decision a corporation has ever made. McDonalds would sell fucking Soylent Green Big Macs if they could get away with it and you know it. At any rate, like the bratty kids they are, big business slowly started creeping back to it's old ways until finally it was time to just stick that shit right under the nose of mommy and daddy, and thus we have this new renaissance of ungodly fast food menu items that are like little food demons, sent from hell to corrupt your stomach's eternal soul. Among the legion is the arch-demon known as the Double Down.
Was that the most long-winded setup for a fast-food item ever?
KFC has officially said "Fuck you, health!" with the double down. Realizing that the use of pussy shit like "buns" just gets in the way of more chicken, KFC has created a masterpiece of artery-clogging goodness. It's essentially a bacon and cheese sandwich between two chicken breasts. There's a zesty sauce that's gooder than hell and it comes in two styles, original recipe and grilled. KFC's grilled chicken is a joke. I dunno, maybe it tastes good to some people, but you don't order a double down and then ask for it to be made with grilled chicken, that's like ordering a double down and then asking for a diet pepsi to drink with it. Like, really? Putting away over 1000 calories worth of cheese, fried chicken and bacon is ok, but hold the extra 200 calories of soda cuz you're watching your weight? Whatever. Anyway, this thing is glorious and completely wrong, and destined to leave you feeling nothing but guilt and remorse afterwards, like getting really good head from a tranny hooker. And, just like that tranny hooker, the next time you have $10 in your pocket, you're going right back for more...
Western Bacon Cheeseburger, Carl's Jr.
The McRib, McDonalds
Chili Cheese Dog, Weinerschnitzel
Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, Jack in the Box
The Baconator, Wendy's
Wendy's ups the ante on bacon burgers with this bitch. Meat, cheese, sawses, done. No vegetables, nothing fancy, just beef, bacon, cheese, mayo and bread. I've always been a Wendy's fan. Ever since I was a kid, my grandpa and dad would always take us to Wendy's when we went to town. I remember the Wendy's we used to go to in Fresno, it had tables that were covered with prints of old newspaper ads and pictures of Fresno when it was just a small town built around a train station. I used to fill up a bunch of those little paper cups of ketchup, sit there with my single with cheese - no tomatoes or onions, and eat my fries while reading all those old timey ads. Eventually all that stuff went to the wayside in favor of the new, remodeled Wendy's image, but I'll always remember all the great lunches the 3 generations of Fountinelle's would have sitting in that Wendy's on Blackstone Ave., across the street from Radcliffe stadium. Wendy's has had a number of items on it's menu that I have absolutely loved. As a kid, I was always a single with cheese (no tomatoes or onions) guy. That changed when I was a little older and Wendy's introduced the chicken parmesean sandwich, which was their crispy chicken breast with marinara sauce and mozzarella cheese. Fucking thing changed my life, and from then on was the only thing I ordered for as long as it was available. After that, I enjoyed almost every limited time item on the menu, bacon mushroom melt, Monterey ranch chicken sandwich, bacon and bleu cheese burger, and so on. Even now, one of my current favorites is the Asiago ranch chicken sandwich, a wonderful abomination of chicken, bacon, asiago cheese and parmasean-ranch dressing. However, Wendy's burgers have always been a favorite and I would never go too long without returning to my old love, the single with cheese. Wendy's changed the game on all that though when they unleashed the Baconator on an unsuspecting public. This thing is a behemoth of meaty goodness, available in single, double and triple varieties. I'm not a big fan of the triple, it's just a little too much even for me, but the double baconator is sick. Like all good, terrible fast food, you can taste the unhealthiness in every bite. It's greasy, salty, cheesy, bacony and mayonaisey and it assimilates directly into your bloodstream like snake venom. One double baconator and an order of fries and I feel like I just had sex with a first cousin or something, real shameful and dirty but at the same time I came so it's like I'm torn. Unfortunately for Wendy's right now, they recently changed their fry recipe from the amazing, highly underrated and almost perfect version they used to have to a shitty, "natural cut" style with sea salt that, while they may be good in their own right, taste like absolute shit compared to their old recipe. If it ain't broke, don't fix it Wendy's! If Dave Thomas were still alive, he'd kick your asses for this shit.
Steak Burrito, Chipotlé
There, now go eat something wonderfully bad for you, wash it down with a large cup of empty calories and veg out in front of the TV. As for me, I'm off to get one of each of these things, mash them together into a single, glorious frankenstein abomination, eat it and have a coronary. At least there will be awesome food at my funeral!