Tuesday, May 31, 2011

10 easy and awesome things you should do before you die.

Fuck a bucket list.  I'm never going to climb Mt. Everest, I'm never going to walk on the Great Wall of China, I'm never going to throw a AA battery off the Empire State Building and see if it actually kills someone, I'm never going to yell "Vivre Le France!" while pissing off the top of the Eiffel Tower, I'm never going to try taking a shit while skydiving.  These are all things that sound great when I write them down in my "Things to do before I die" journal, but let's be real, trying to convince the instructor strapped to my back to let me squeeze out a dook while falling at terminal velocity will probably be a fool's errand, so instead I've decided to compile a short list of 10 easy things all of us can do before we die that are awesome and might just help you enjoy life that little bit more.  Besides, when it all goes down, you're gonna be like "Why the hell did I waste all that time and money boating down the Ganges when I could have been dropping acid at Star Wars in Concert?"  By the way, dropping acid and going to see Star Wars in Concert isn't on my list, but fuck that would be pretty sweet...

These are in no particular order, by the way.  I hate trying to rank shit because I always get halfway through and I'm like dammit number 7 is way better than number 3, what kind of asshole am I?  Who needs that pressure?

10.  Drugs

That's right, do some fucking drugs!  Feels good to say it, like pulling your dick out in a porno theater for the first time.  It's liberating and wrong, but you know it will ultimately pay off.  Now, don't get crazy, I'm not saying to go smoke crack and start sucking dick or anything stupid, use your head a little here.  Eat some mushrooms, smoke a little weed, maybe snort a bunch of coke one night and get all crazy and show your junk to some random in a 7-11.  YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!  Vomiting psilocybin
and refried beans all over a Taco Bell parking lot at 1 in the morning might seem like a shitty experience at the time, and honestly, it is, but two weeks later, it's going to be the start of the greatest story ever!

9.  Vandalism

It's juvenile, thoughtless, stupid and fucked-up, but it's also fun as hell!  If you haven't fled down a back road at 2am with your headlights off, blowing through stop signs, trying to lose the farmer who just caught you tipping all his port-a-potties over or starting up his tractor and driving it into the side of a barn, you haven't lived!  Play a few innings of mailbox baseball.  You know the sport, especially if you ever watched Stand By Me,
except there are some differences between the way Kiefer Sutherland and his gang played it and the way you have to do it that won't get your ass kicked by whoever's car you're driving in.  See, in Stand By Me, they just drove down the street and swung at mailboxes as they rolled along.  Now, in the real world, when you do that shit, one of a few things happens.  A) You hit the mailbox and launch it right into the side of the car, scratching the shit out of it and earning you an ass whipping,  B)  You miss the mailbox entirely, usually because you're also drunk as fuck so that playing mailbox baseball actually sounds like an awesome idea, and swing the bat, full-force, into the side of the car, also earning an ass whipping, or C) You smack the shit out of the mailbox, but it's one of those apocalypse-proof, reinforced steel fuckers and it sends the bat ricocheting back with equal velocity into the back side of the car, once again earning you an ass whipping.  The only safe way to play mailbox baseball involves having the balls to stop the car, get out, walk up to the mailbox, bash the shit out of it, jump back in the car and haul ass.  Or, in the case of one of my friends, who shall remain nameless, you just rip the entire mailbox off the post and take off with it because it looks like a tractor, then give it to your grandma and tell her you made it in shop class and then you and all your friends laugh every time we visited him at her house and saw it in the garden, converted into a planter.

8.  Have a Threesome

Now, for girls, this will be as easy as calling up any two of your "guy friends" and asking them if they would like to play a little game of Chinese finger cuffs, or one of your guy friends and one of your cute and slutty girlfriends, if you want to experiment with a little box munching.  Either way, girls have it easy with this one.  For guys, you might have to drop a stack of Benjamins on a couple out-call strippers and ply them with some weed, maybe a little coke or some tequila shots, whatever.  Regardless, unless you have a freaky chick with equally freaky friends or you're a smooth ass playa, or you're gay and just tell two other gay dudes "Hey, let's form a Human Centipenis!"  It will probably hurt your pocketbook.  However, the end result is totally worth it.  Yes, you will blow your load in under 8 seconds, but you at least got the rest of the full hour to get your second wind!  And, if it's an actual consensual three-way with willing, unpaid partners, you got all night!  And ladies, don't worry about getting a stigma from letting two dudes double up on you.  Guy who don't respect girls who've taken two dicks on at least one drunken night in their lives are bitches.  This is 2011, live yo fuckin life!

7.  Go To a Crazy Punk Rock or Metal Show   

I'm not talking about Ozzfest or some well-produced, amply-security-guarded, legitimate shit like that, I'm talking about 10 or 15 bands you never fucking heard of, playing in a run-down banquet hall near the industrial/shitty/where you get crack side of town with like 2 security guards who are required by the venue owners for legal reasons and spend the whole night sitting in their cars with the doors locked and the windows rolled up.  I'm talking about a show where crack will be smoked freely on stage right.  I'm talking about shit where at some point, one of the bands is going to get into a fist fight with someone in the crowd and a bass guitar will be used as a weapon, with brutal effectiveness.  I'm talking about a show where you can meet a chick and fuck her all without moving from the edge of the pit.  I'm talking about a lineup like:

Malicious Sodomy
Crust Fuckers
The Dirted
Brian Fellows
Brutal Brutality
Vomit On My Cock

What the Shit?

All Ages, show starts at 6pm, $5 at the door, no refunds!

The kind of show where about 250 people show up and each one has about an ounce of pot and somehow 75 kegs just pop up but nobody has a tap.  The kind of show where everyone is so equally a complete fucking mess that your dysfunction actually cancels out and you all strangely get along, until the ugly incident where the guys in Brutal Brutality start a fight with the dudes in the crowd who helped Crust Fuckers bring their gear because they think they're a bunch of trendy fucking posers, and of course the hourly chick fights in the parking lot because some bitch flashed her flapjacks at the wrong girl's man.  The only thing better than attending one of these masterpieces is playing at one, and I've done both.  Living the dream, baby, living the dream...

6.  Eat at In n Out

What?  I'm not a complete maniac.  Everything doesn't have to be all about sex, drugs and rock n roll, sometimes it can just be about a good ass double double, animal style, with fries, well done and also animal style and a fucking chocolate shake.  Is that ok with you?  Fucking better be, because this is a great fucking thing that everyone should do at least once before they die.  Now, if you live in the glorious and fortunate states in the western U.S. that have In n Out, then you live this dream on the regular, I ain't even trippin.  However, if you are stuck out on the east coast like a shit head, make an excuse to come out west at least once in your miserable fucking life and eat this shit.  And no, don't give me that "Well, we got White Castle and you don't!" bullshit.  That's like saying "Yeah, you got In n Out but we got White Castle!"  Seriously, I couldn't think of a better analogy to show how completely disproportionate those two places are.  Everyone knows someone who lives in a state near an In n Out, so go visit them, even if it's your fucking cousin that you hate, just suck it up, it's worth it.  Also, In n Out is supposed to be opening up in Texas soon, so that's even closer to you poor, unfortunate bastards who don't live out here on the besssst coasssst.

5.  Swim in Water That Isn't Surrounded by Concrete

Swim in the ocean, a lake or, best of all, a river!  Go tubing, wakeboarding, jet skiing.  Get out in water that could very well be polluted to life-threateningly toxic levels and have a blast.  Drink way too much beer while sitting in the sun, eat BBQ'ed hot dogs with a gang of mustard on them, go fuck around in the water in a manner which is appropriate for the body of water where you are, then puke those fucking hot dogs back up and get ready for the bonfire when the sun sets.  Ogle chicks in bikini tops and cutoff shorts, unless you're at the ocean, then just ogle chicks in fucking bikinis.  Wait for that inevitable moment when a rope swing, jet ski or wakeboard wipeout leads to an accidental nip-slip and put that shit in your spank bank.  Literally shit yourself when an unidentifiable sea creature brushes against your leg.  Accidentally swallow a mouthful of water that you know is about 75% feces and urine, 10% of which is your own, and just charge it to the fucking game.

4.  Steal Something

Doesn't have to be a car, although that's a definite 10 on the livin life scale, but just take something that isn't yours.  Now, don't be an asshole and steal from your friends, I'm talking gank something from someone you hate, or shoplift, something where there's really no victim, or the victim kinda deserved it.  Even if you just go into a convenience store and stick a candy bar in your pocket and leave without paying for it, it will be the most delicious candy bar you ever ate.  If you really want to kick it up a notch and earn your "I ain't no pussy" badge, do a beer run!  Fuck yeah!  Just be careful though, don't hit too nice of a corporate chain place or they'll have more than enough surveillance to ID you, but don't hit too ratty of an Arab-owned place or the guy will blast the fuck out of you with the shotgun he keeps behind the counter.  Find a nice, franchise-owned AM/PM or something, have your buddies park the getaway car right around the side with a clean shot to the road, walk in all casual to the cooler, grab two cases, stroll up to the counter like you're going to pay for them, then right as you get to the door, break out that motherfucker!  Don't start running right away or they'll block the door, and make sure the getaway driver isn't a fucking pussy who's gonna take off and leave you before you can get in the car.  The most delicious beer I've ever drank came from a glorious, 5-case beer run pulled off at Ernies Liquor near Lemoore, CA.  If you know where that is, chances are I know you and you probably have had some beer run brews from there your damn self, so you know what I'm talking about.

3.  Drive to Vegas

I don't care where you live.  The farther away, the better the road trip as far as I'm concerned.  There's nothing like a fucking road trip to Vegas, and I mean nothing.  Fuck a Jet Blue, Southwest Express, TED or whatever the fuck micro-line fun saver discount two for one special bullshit you could get that would land you there in a few hours for $70 a head, FUCK THAT!  Pile into a car, preferably a rental, and hit the goddamn open road like motherfucking Hunter S. Thompson.  Now, I live in California, so for me, the road trip to Vegas is just a no-brainer.  Sure, with gas prices where they are now, it's probably half as expensive to just fly there, but then you miss out on 6 1/2 hours of non-stop weed smoking, fast food breaks, followed by rest stop breaks to shit all that junk out, looking at all the freaky people heading down life's highway with you, bumping all the songs on the "Vegas Road Trip" playlist you stayed up late the night before putting together... You just can't beat it.  By the time you hit Vegas, and it's always after dark, no matter when you left, it's like finally reaching the promised land.  It's like when the Clark W. Griswolds finally made it to Wally World, only this place is going to be open!  It's literally Disneyland for adults.  You can't check in, change into clothes that haven't been slow-roasted in pot smoke and ass sweat and get back downstairs to start drinking and gambling fast enough!  You just don't appreciate how amazing it is to finally arrive in Vegas if you haven't trekked through the desert to get there.  If you haven't used a rest stop bathroom with separate toilets for solids and liquids.  It's like that beer run beer, it just tastes that much sweeter when you worked for it.

2.  Masturbate in a Weird Place

Fuckin A.  Title pretty much says it all.  Jerk off on the balcony of your hotel room in some random city.  Blast one out in your sleeping bag on a family camping trip while sleeping next to your cousin, who gives a shit?  Jerk off onto an ant pile and watch them try to cope with this strange, suffocating liquid that has descended upon them and refuses to soak into the soil.  Is it nourishment?  Is it some kind of punishment from an angry ant god?  For double awesome points, jack off on the ant hill, then burn the ants with a magnifying glass as they scurry around trying to deal with your jizz bomb!  Try burning your jizz with the magnifying glass!  It's fucking fun with science! 

1.  Start a Band

I think this actually deserves to be number one, even though I just happened to think this one up when I got here.  Doesn't matter if you can't play an instrument.  Find one instrument of any kind that you're halfway good at, practice it until you can play like a handful of songs, then find a couple other people who are in the same boat and hit the open water.  With the computer shit they got today, anyone can record songs in their own house, so fucking do it.  Get your little band crew, come up with a kick-ass name and logo, make your own shirts and stickers, record a 5-song demo and roll around like you're the fucking Sex Pistols.  Ok, for those of you born after 1985, roll around like you're fucking Green Day.  It pains me to even compare those two, but it's a different generation, I gotta understand I guess...  At any rate, no matter how old you are, you haven't lived until you've played for 30 minutes in front of half a dozen people who couldn't give two shits about you for just enough money to go get some Taco Bell afterwards and then stayed up all fucking night jazzed about what an amazing fucking show that just was.  Until you've slapped your band's sticker on a street sign, bus stop bench or some other random public structure.  Until you've stapled or taped 500 fliers on every telephone pole on every major street in every town around the place your gig is at.  Until one person you never met before in your life comes up to you after a show and says "You guys fucking ROCK!"  Of all the things I've ever done, or ever will do in my life, none of them has felt like that.  I suppose one day if I ever have a kid, that might come close, but that kid better fucking rock my balls off or else sorry buddy, but you're only the second coolest fucking thing your daddy ever did.

"Every man dies, but not every man truly lives."


  1. Thanks. Your list rocks

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