Monday, May 9, 2011

Can't stop, won't stop, uh uh, uh uh.

Before I post anything else, I want to say that the staff at Mercy Hospital in Merced are incredible.  During my surgery and recovery, they treated me with so much kindness and compassion and were just unbelievable.  I was actually sad to go, which is a pretty rare thing when it comes to hospital stays.  At any rate, I'm eternally grateful to everyone there who treated me and cared for me afterwards, especially my nurses Cassandra and Katerina, I love you guys.  That being said...

I'm back, bitches!  Posting from my wife's laptop, jacked to the tits on percocet, barely conscious but here nonetheless!  Since it is a pain in the ass trying to type on a laptop perched on top of an ice pack, resting on my swollen, post-op gut (not to mention excruciatingly painful), I'm going to just share a couple short musings that I've thought of while in the hospital and while stationed on the couch the last couple days.

Pakistan has said they will retaliate against the U.S. with full force if we invade their sovereignty again without permission.  Good luck, we already took out your best military leader...

Newt Gingrich has announced he is once again planning to run for president in 2012.  I wonder if he will notify us by fax when he decides to bail on it for something better, or keep with the changing technology and use twitter this time?

In order to help women compete in a career field currently dominated by men, schools are going to begin teaching classes for girls on how to fill out unemployment paperwork and cash the checks...

Ronald Regan is known as "The Great Communicator."  Less well-known is his other nickname, "The Great Fart-Cupper."

Exxon/Mobil has just merged with Health Net, forming the largest and most profitable corporation in the world, and creating a new "easypass" system that allows expecting mothers to convert their firstborns directly into a tank of gas.

Average CEO salaries have finally surpassed pre-recession levels after 3 long and painful years, and as promised, the mega-rich have started to create jobs as a result in the much-needed fields of cash-counters, moneybags-carriers and guys who pick gold coins out of your ass crack after you swim around in your money pile, Scrooge McDuck style.

Sarah Palin has accused President Obama of beating around the bush by not releasing the pictures of Osama Bin Laden.  Ironically, beating the Bush is how Osama ended up dead in the first place...

Palin has also announced her intentions to run for president in 2012, making the hottest race the one to see who will quit first between Palin, Gingrich and Romney. 

The 2012 GOP primaries are going to have so many early pull-outs that congress is going to vote to cut it's funding sometime this week.

Latest polls show that 30% of Republicans think Osama Bin Laden isn't really dead, which is good news for the campaign of "Dug-up, Zombie Regan."

Work harder, America, hundreds of billionaires depend on you for tax cuts!

Dick Cheney is scheduled to receive a heart transplant, just as soon as doctors finish removing all the plastic and packing foam from his chest cavity.

Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson, Rick Santorum and Herman Cain are planning to ride the wave of popularity from their "First GOP debate" on Fox News last week by forming a political supergroup, called The Who?

Although the government does not plan to release the names of the Navy SEALs who killed Osama Bin Laden, they are planning to release pictures of the actual seals currently having sex with his corpse...

Yep, I'm pretty sure the jobs of all those comedy writers at The Daily Show are safe...

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