Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is the best holiday.  These are the best things about Halloween!

Best Candy: Full-Sized chocolate bars (any brand).

Full-Sized candy bars are the greatest thing you can find in your bag after trick-or-treating.  Miniature candy bars are awesome, but ultimately they just make you realize how much happier you would be if you had more than just one bite of a Snickers or more than one Reese's peanut butter cup.  Getting a standard-issue bar is a major score - especially if you have parents like I did who put you on a "You can choose X number of pieces per day to eat and that's it!" ration, because a whole candy bar only counted as one piece!

Honorable Mention:

Sweet Tarts
Sugar Babies
Pop Rocks
Gum that lasts more than 10 chews

Best Costume:  Zombie!

Of course I'm biased, I love zombies!  However, flesh-eating undead usually make the best costumes.  I like costumes that are creative and inspired by pop culture, but I have a strong loyalist soft spot for traditional Halloween costumes and what's great about zombies is that they currently fill both those roles.  This has created an interesting phenomenon this year, since most girls wear "sexy" costumes inspired by whatever's popular, of seeing hot girls trying to dress up as "slutty zombie".  Hey, get enough orange beer in me and I don't care if you're slutty Karl Rove...

Honorable Mention:

Vampire (non-sparkly kind only)
Demon or Devil
Sarah Jessica Parker

Best Scary Movie:  Halloween!

Of course this is the best scary movie to watch on Halloween, duh!  While this may not be my personal choice for best scary movie of all time, it's definitely the one most pertinent to watching with the lights out on Halloween night when all the trick-or-treaters have gone home and it's just you, your over-active imagination and a sugar-induced fit of hyperactivity that easily mutates into sheer paranoid terror at every creak and bump you hear by the time Michael Meyers starts hacking everyone to bits.

Honorable Mention:

The Exorcist
Dawn of the Dead
Night of the Living Dead
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Howling

Best Spooky Familiar:  Black Cat!

Of all the creepy, possibly demonic companion pets that a witch, vampire or some other spooky Halloween character keeps by their side, the black cat is still the king of the hill.  Proof is in the fact that most of you probably get weirded out right now if one runs across your path, even if you're not overly superstitious.  Besides, cats are famous for that cold, emotionless stare (as seen in the picture above) and when all you can really make out in the dark is a pair of unblinking, spooky-green eyes... yeah, that's good for a double-take and a good tingle up the spine.

Honorable Mention:

Raven or Crow

Best Halloween Monster:  Werewolf!

You probably thought I was going to say zombie, but while that might be the best Halloween costume, I think werewolves are the best Halloween monsters.  See, Halloween is a holiday where you spend the prime celebrating time walking around in the dark, going up to potentially strange houses and asking for candy.  Often, those walks require you to go outside of the protection of street light illumination and it's in those shadows that the eyes of the werewolf lurk, watching you, waiting for an opportunity to strike!  Werewolves are the scariest Halloween monster, in my opinion, because they look like normal people during the day, but they become an unstoppable killing machine when the moon comes out.  If Halloween fell on the same night as a full moon, forget it, I would sprint from streetlight to streetlight as a kid and I just knew the minute I had to go more than 10 feet between light sources, that's when the werewolf was gonna get me and rip me to pieces.

Honorable Mention:

Vampires (non-sparkly only)
Psycho Killers

Best Slutty Costume:  Sexy Chainsaw Killer!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love sluts.  I had the pleasure of attending a costume party at a bar near my hometown with a bunch of friends  this weekend and I was amazed and perpetually semi-aroused by all the different variations of "slutty ____" costumes on all the attention whores there.  However, "cat" and "nurse" and "French maid" get old after a while, especially when there are at least 3 of all of those at any given party.  Therefore, I like to see girls mix it up with their sluttiness!  Why not be a sexy chainsaw killer?  I mean, if you're gonna get hacked into pieces and cannibalized, wouldn't you rather it be by a chick with great cans and breath that smells like a mix between appletinis and vomit?

Honorable Mention:

Sexy Angel/Devil
Sexy Pirate
Sexy Fairy
Sexy Doctor
Sexy Girl who Has Sex with Me

Best Place to Party on Halloween:  Haunted House!

Hells yeah!  When you want to have a rockin' Halloween party that turns into a blood and guts gore-fest of human butchery by the end of the night, nothing beats a good old haunted house!  There are plenty of rooms for couples to sneak off too and get slaughtered and then stuffed in a closet or something while everyone else parties downstairs and you don't find them until you're looking for a place to hide from whatever is killing everyone later on after half the party has already been hacked to bits on the dance floor.  Added awesome points if someone, somewhere in the house, at some point, breaks out a Ouija board.

Honorable Mention:

Abandoned Hospitals/Asylums
The Middle of Nowhere
Occupy Oakland

Best Halloween Drink:  The Brain Hemorrhage!

 This drink rules because it's so gross looking and when it's made right (like the one pictured) it's really quite a disturbing sight to behold.  However, it's pretty damn tasty going down and a few of these bad boys will get you ready to party in no time!  It's pretty easy to make, although perfecting the "brain hemorrhage" look takes some practice.  Basically, you fill your shot glass mostly full with peach Schnapps, then gently pour a little Bailey's Irish Cream over the rounded bottom of a spoon, so that it drizzles on top of the Schnapps.  This has the effect not only of making sure the Bailey's doesn't sink too far into the Schnapps and mix with it, ruining the effect, but it also creates a cool ripple in the Bailey's that kind of resembles brain folds if you do it right.  Lastly, pour just a few drops of grenadine into the center to create the "hemorrhage" that looks like a blood clot that eventually breaks through the "brain" on top and settles in the bottom of the shot, as you can see from the pic.  They taste pretty darn good, get you buzzed and look ooky, what's not to love?

Honorable Mention:

The Zombie
The Headless Horseman
Candy Corn
Pumpkin Beer

Best Halloween Blog Post Ever:  This One!

Ok, that might be a lie.  Whatever, I'm going to go load the dvd changer up with my collection of epic horror movies and start the "shit your pants in terror" marathon right now!  By the time some poor little bastard ignores the universal "go away, no candy here!" indicator of my porch light being off, I'm going to be so jacked on Halloween scariness that I'm going to chase the little shit down the street with a butcher knife and I don't care if his mama's with him!  Of course, if she's dressed like a slutty MILF or something, she better hope she's got her track shoes on...

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