Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Pearls of Wisdom (For the Ladies).

Quit being so goddamn negative all the time.  Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Everyone has a bad day, I get it.  Trust me, I get it.  Everyone goes through a rough patch and has to deal with unexpected drama or being disappointed by others.  We can all relate to whatever it is that you're going through, but that doesn't mean we want to hear you whining about your shitty life every fucking day.  You want to blow off a little steam, maybe vent on Facebook now and then?  Go for it, no one will begrudge you a little bitch session.  But, if you can't get through a single day without complaining about the latest person to stab you in the back, the latest guy to disappoint you, the latest new family drama, etc...  Then maybe you need therapy instead of a bunch of snarky Facebook status updates.

If you spend more time bragging about what your guy buys you instead of bragging about your guy, it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

You might be happier if you cut out the middle man and just started fucking a pile of money.  Other than your equally shallow and self-absorbed girlfriends, nobody cares about all the shit your man showers you with in order to keep you happy.  Again, moderation is the key.  Hey, if you got a guy who does nice things for you, talk it up, it's all good, but if your photo album has 50 pics of all the nice stuff he bought you and one picture of the back of his head from that surprise trip to the beach he paid for last anniversary, you're a shitty person.  Work on that.

There are worse things in life than being a slut.

Being a condescending, self-righteous cunt, for one thing.  The only people who judge a girl negatively by the number of guys she's slept with and how easy it is to get her in bed are jealous women and stupid men.  You want to bang dudes?  Go for it, girlfriend.  Suck all the dicks you want, bang two dudes at a time, go crazy.  Guys can do it, why shouldn't you?  The only guys who are intimidated by a girl with a lot of sexual experience are pussies.

Stop reading so much into shit all the time.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.  That means, when it comes to guys, you don't need a Little Orphan Annie Secret Decoder Ring, we're pretty simple.  If we want something, we'll usually just say it.  That also means when we say something, it pretty much means exactly what we said.  Women might say one thing that really means something else that's actually code for a third thing that merely symbolizes a fourth thing, but guys don't have the time or interest to invest that much effort in our dialog.  Stop trying to interpret what we're saying, we're not speaking in tongues.  Along this same train of logic...

Your misunderstanding is not our problem.

Again, guys are pretty straightforward.  If you take something we say wrong, we're not going to apologize and feel bad because you tripped out over nothing.  All we can do is speak plainly and in English, everything after that is all on you.  We'll gladly take responsibility for saying inappropriate shit, making off-color jokes, popping off with some insensitive shit at the wrong time and stuff like that, but when you decide to start reading some deeper, nonexistent meaning into the random shit we just say during conversation, we're not responsible for your irrational overreaction.  Smoke some weed or something and calm your damn mind down, you're clearly thinking way too much.

Learn how to be happy with what you have.

Stop worrying that something is going to go on sale after you buy it, or that there will be a better one of whatever it is in the next store you go to.  Stop driving yourself nuts being jealous of what other girls have that you don't.  Stop living your life like a choose your own adventure book where you marked the page you're on and want to read all the other outcomes first before you choose the one you want.  Just be happy with whatever life has given you.  If you got the third hottest boyfriend out of your circle, then be happy with the bronze medal and stop trying to find holes in gold and silver's relationships to make you feel better.

Understand that you are beautiful.

Yes, this is sappy and sweet, but it's also true.  There is something beautiful about pretty much every girl.  Unless you're a total shit head of a person who looks like Jabba the Hut, there is something about you that at least one guy (or girl) out there will be completely attracted to.  Stop putting yourself down, stop worrying that you aren't pretty enough, stop looking at yourself in the mirror with a look on your face like you smell a wet fart.  If you have someone in your life, appreciate that they're there by choice and because they see something in you that you apparently don't.  Quit trying so hard to become "beautiful" and start looking for the beauty that's already there.  I mean, look at most guys - they're fat, gross, crude, and 6 months without a woman away from regressing to the cave man era.  Yet, we are bursting with confidence.  Somewhere between the completely unjustified overconfidence of most men and the completely unjustified lack of confidence of most women lies a wonderful equilibrium of reasonable self-esteem.  Endeavor to find that sweet spot.

Give more blow jobs.

Pretty straightforward!  Ladies, if you like giving your man a blowie, then God bless you.  The more you enjoy it, the more awesome you are.  If you derive actual physical gratification from it, then you're damn near a saint.  On the other hand, if you don't like S'ing your man's D, then you really should work on getting over that hang up.  I hate to be honest here (not really) but if you aren't down with giving your man good and regular BJs, he's going to cheat on you with a girl who is.  Listen, if you don't want to do it, if you think it's "gross" or "demeaning" or some other bullshit, no one is forcing you to blow your dude, just understand he's going to go get it from a girl who's not such an uptight bitch, that's all.