Uncle Dave's Monday Movie Mandate.

In the spirit of getting the week off to a light-hearted start, Uncle Dave isn't going to weigh you down with a bunch of heavy political ranting or ideological pontification.  See, Uncle Dave wants you to be happy and enjoy yourself and have a nice, relaxing and entertaining evening at home.  So, what better way to do that than to whip up a batch of hot, buttery popcorn, pour yourself a 32oz mug of Jack & Coke and let your brain soak in a little motion picture entertainment, courtesy of our noble neighbors to the east, the Japanese.  Thus, without further ado, I submit to you, for your consideration:

Tokyo Gore Police!

This fucking work of cinematic art was made in 2008, directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura and stars Eihi Shiina as Ruka, a police officer in Tokyo, in the not-so-distant future.  In this future, the police force in Tokyo has been privatized and society in general seems to have degenerated into one big underground, fetishist subculture.  You don't see a lot of people out on the streets, it's as if the population are like cockroaches, hiding from the neo-fascist corporate police force, or maybe even each other, but when you venture into the dark, dirty, underground where they reside, you find a twisted and sickeningly perverted hive, teeming with sex, violence, bizarre mutilations and mutations.  You might think the Japanese are some crazy fuckers now, but future Tokyo makes present-day Tokyo look like Branson, MO.

 The movie gets right to it, doesn't waste any time fucking around.  Ruka, as I said, is a police officer.  However, she is a special kind of officer.  See, in future Tokyo, there are regular criminals and then there are mutant super-criminals called "engineers."  Engineers are genetically mutated so that they have an insatiable rage and thirst for violence and mayhem, incredible strength and the peculiar ability to grow random, bio-mechanical weapons from any wound created on their bodies.  In the opening scene, Ruka is being dispatched to deal with an engineer who is holed-up on the roof of a city building.  He is surrounded by "regular" police officers who attack him and manage to cut off one of his arms, which then grows into a bio-mech chainsaw that the engineer proceeds to use to basically ass rape all the officers in an over-the-top orgy of spraying blood and flying body parts.  Enter Ruka... I don't want to give too much away, but here's how that scene ends...

Ruka don't fuck around. 

This is where you begin to realize what you're seeing - one of the most out of control, over-the-top, insane, twisted, sick and fucked up movies you will ever watch.  The first thing that you are treated to is ridiculous geysers of blood that spray from everyone, everywhere, all the time, whenever they are dismembered, slashed open or stub their toes too hard.  Apparently, everyone in future Tokyo has 375 gallons of blood in them and it's all under extreme pressure and whenever you break the skin, it sprays out like a fire hydrant that someone backed over.  Get a fucking paper cut in future Tokyo and you can repaint the spare bedroom red like a Wagner power sprayer.

The second thing you immediately discover about TGP is that body parts fly around in this bitch.  Arms, legs, fingers, heads, feet, hands, penii... if it dangles, chances are it will catch air at some point, and be followed by a torrent of blood.  My guess is that 95% of the budget for this movie went into fake blood and rubber limbs and the rest went into CGI.

Oh yeah, you're interested, I can tell!

So, as I said, Ruka is an "Engineer Hunter" a special branch of the police force dedicated solely to taking out the engineers, a task that is apparently impossible for ordinary officers.  See, engineers are almost unkillable.  The only way to permanently kill them is to remove a small tumor from inside their bodies that looks like a key.  The tumor is always in a different place on each engineer, so the challenge is to find the area of the engineer's body where the key-tumor is located, sever it, and then have the tumor removed.

As if that wasn't weird and fucked up enough, there is so much more sick shit in store!  You see, while the key-tumors turn criminals into hyper-violent, rage-fueled killing machines, they can mutate anyone into all sorts of crazy shit.  It seems that while simply having the key-tumor mutation does make a person more unstable, their level of intensity increases drastically as they become injured and their body mutates to create the bio-mech weaponry.  In the meantime, though, mutant girls make great things you can pay to have sex with!

Hey baby, you wanna go out?

We find these three lovely young ladies in an underground, mutant sex club.  In this club, people who would make the craziest New York fetish clubs look like the Christian Science Reading Room get together and bid, auction style, on which one of these mutated ho's they want to risk sticking their genitalia in to.  The "winner" gets to take the girl of his choice into one of the back rooms and, I guess, try to find her vagina or something and have sex with it.  We don't really know for sure, because the one guy who gets the lucky date with bachelorette #3 ends up getting his dick bitten off and spit across the room.

 Worst blowjob ever!

I mean OF COURSE HE DOES, the chick has teeth instead of nipples!  How do you think this story is going to end??  Well, I'll tell you how it ends!  First off, this dude is no regular dude, he's an off-duty police officer.  Second, as he's sitting in his chair, losing his shit because he just got his dick bitten off, a shadowy figure emerges.  This is the "Keyman," the guy who designed the key-tumors and the one responsible for creating the engineers.  Keyman inserts a key-tumor into dickless's arm and presto bango, his dick turns into this:

Gwar who?

Yeah, that's a giant cock-cannon and it shoots bio-mech shells that look kind of like a cross between sperm and a peach pit, except they fucking blast holes in you and ruin shit.  Are you starting to see how fucking bad ass this movie is?  Oh, and the girl with the teeth-nips who bit his dick off?  She gets cut in half and turns into this:

This movie hasn't even got to the crazy part yet!

So, while all this is going on in the back room, all the party goers in the front are treated to a floor show by this stunning young flower:

She's a fucking chair!

Not only that, but she puts on a hell of a show too!

Yes, it is...

A flesh chair with a fully-exposed external vagina that sprays piss 20 feet in front of it into a crowd of ecstatic weirdos who dance around in it like champagne after a winning game, and this still isn't the craziest part of the movie.  Oh, and check out the outfit on the hostess over there.  Yeah, this movie actually happened.

So, as we are introduced to the Keyman and Ruka is tasked with catching him and bringing him to justice, which for the Tokyo Police Corporation means basically just killing him in the street wherever she finds him and bringing his body back so the coroner can find and remove his key-tumor, we are treated to flashbacks of Ruka's childhood that explain why she is the way she is and how she ended up in her situation.  When she was a child, her father was a police officer, back before the police force was privatized.  He fought against privatization, and one day while at an event to protest the privatization of the police force, he is executed in front of her with head-asploding results.  Thus, Ruka ended up in the care of her father's boss, the chief of the Tokyo Police Force and that's basically how she grew up to be a super-cop engineer hunter.  But, I don't want to spoil the plot, which in spite of the ridiculous gore, perversion and outright WTF shock in the movie is actually pretty good and engaging enough that you will enjoy the movie for more than just watching a chair with a pussy piss on people while a hooker with an alligator bottom half eats a dude's dick off and a crazy mutant madman runs around horribly executing people and turning others into mutants all under 3 inches of non-stop spraying blood and flying body parts.  So, instead I will continue to show you reasons why this movie flat out kicks ass over any movie you might have seen before.

This is what happens when you grab Ruka's ass on the subway.

Oh yeah, there's also the commercials.  In a style that is reminiscent of Paul Verhoeven's films like Robocop and Starship Troopers, and the reason why this film has been compared to those in spite of the total lack of any similarity in terms of plot or execution, TGP is spliced with mock commercials that segue from one scene to the next.  They aren't just twisted, fucked up and darkly humorous, they also provide a little more back story to help paint the portrait of the society Tokyo has turned into.  First, there is stuff like this:

The blood becomes tastier!

This basically just shows the crazy, self-mutilation fashion of neo-futuristic Tokyo.  Ruka herself is a cutter, as we see with blood-soaked abandon in the opening scene of the film, and this commercial serves to show how popular the trend is among the girls of Tokyo.  Plus, it's nucking futs!  Then, there's this:

Lest you commit hari-kari with an unfashionable blade that doesn't cut well!  But there's also ones that show the extremism of the corporate police force:

Privatized police basically means no need for courts, judges or any of that stuff, you commit a crime and you are executed on the spot.  This is the deeper message of the movie, buried under all the blood, guts and body parts.  Ultimately, this film is about how privatization inevitably leads to corrupt corporate fascism and the efforts by two people on seemingly opposite ends of the law- Ruka and the Keyman - to try and change that.  Don't let this discourage you, however, the socially conscious message of the movie is nowhere near the star, it takes a comfortable back back seat to the violence, gore, carnage, perversion, and outright weirdness, so it's perfectly safe for all you conservative suckers of corporate cock to enjoy without feeling like your ideology is being challenged in any way. 

There's a message in there somewhere...

Understand that all that crazy shit I just posted isn't even halfway through the movie.  That's right, about 150 limbs get cut off, 600 gallons of blood get sprayed all over everything, 4 mutant hookers wreak havoc on a fetish club, a dude gets a dick cannon, an ass-grabber gets his arms chopped off and a rooftop maniac gets sawed into pieces with his own chainsaw-arms before we even get to the midway point of the film.  This movie is no joke!  I don't even want to post any more stuff because I don't want to spoil it for you.  Needless to say, this movie ends the only way a movie that starts off this insanely over-the-top can possibly end.  

There are 3 kinds of people when it comes to this movie.  The first kind saw these images and read all this and decided "Oh HELL naw!" and will never even try to see it, and most likely will actively avoid even accidentally running across it.  The second and third kind will be like "Ok, you have piqued my curiosity, let's see what's doing here..." and will then split into two camps - those of you who think this movie is stupid, the plot sucks, the blood and carnage effects are so ridiculous, obviously fake and dumb that the entire thing is just one big, terrible joke and want the last 109 minutes of their life back - and the other half who will react like I did and say holy shit, I don't know what the fuck I just saw, but it was bad ass!  I need to see this again!  And then, another 109 minutes later, you say wow, I still don't know what I just saw, but I think I kind of understand, but omfg this shit is so crazy and ridiculous, I love it!  Oh, and Eihi Shiina is hot!

You think I'm crazy in this movie, you should see me in Audition...

Oh yeah, this chick is an angel of disturbing, hyper-violent shock films.  I don't want to go off on a whole other tangent on her incredibly evil and psychotic role in Takashi Miike's hard to watch movie Audition, but even when she's got a syringe in her hand, getting ready to paralyze and systematically torture a man for her own sadistic pleasure, she's still pretty damn hot.

Yep, still does it for me kinda.

At any rate, watch Tokyo Gore Police.  It's crazy, comically gory and genuinely entertaining.  It's like watching a live-action cartoon, only with way more blood and dismemberment and vagina chairs that pee on people. Best of all, if you have Netflix, it's available for instant streaming!