Friday, August 26, 2011

10 Reasons Why My DVR is Cooler Than Yours.

Yes, I am pretty awesome.  It's a blessing and a curse, really.  With great power comes great responsibility and all that...  Anyway, out of the kindness and generosity that fills my giant heart, I graciously share my awesomeness with you, my loyal reader, that you may, in turn, be made a little more awesome yourself.  I have shown you awesome food, awesome movies and awesome music.  I have shared my awesome views on politics and social issues and even taken time to point out people and behaviors that are not awesome, so that you may steer clear of these hazards on the road to glory.  Today, I'm going to share with you 10 reasons why my DVR is awesome.  Not because of what it does - it's just a DVR, anyone can get one of those - but because of what it has on it.  Remember, it's not what you watch, it's what's watching you... or something.

10.  House of 1000 Corpses

It was on HBO last week, so I recorded it!  While I am personally a bigger fan of the sequel, "The Devil's Rejects", I do enjoy "House of 1000 Corpses" very much.  First of all, it's a good slasher movie and a great debut effort by Rob Zombie, and secondly... well...

Next to White Zombie and 3 great slasher flicks (Ho1kC, TDR and his first Halloween remake), Sheri Moon Zombie is the greatest thing Rob Zombie has given to the world.  She started off as that ridiculously hot, curly-haired girl that was featured in some of Rob's music videos and album art and is now, sort of, a famous actress.  I say "sort of" because she only ever works in stuff Rob directs, but that's ok because he directs good movies and he knows how to get maximum hotness out of Sheri Moon.  She may not be the best actress, but she's not the worst.  What she is, however, is smoking hot and cool enough to play a psycho murderer who you would actually still go out with.  Like, while watching "House..." I often find myself thinking "I'd still give her a ride home, fuck it." 

9.  Cathouse

Oh, whores!  Seriously, I can't get enough of those wacky prostitutes at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch.  Do they even make new episodes for this show anymore?  I don't know, all I know is that I'm still finding episodes I haven't seen before and even some of the ones I have seen are still pretty good.  This Moonlight Bunny Ranch seems like a party man... you got Dennis Hof, all pervy and el-creepo, slapping on 19-year old hooker asses in probably the last occupation in America where massive and continuous sexual harassment by your boss is not only accepted but expected, then you have Madame Suzette, the ironically sexually uptight "manager" of the place who gladly takes money from half-naked prostitutes, still dripping with sweat, jizz and lube, but gets worked into a tizzy whenever girls start making out in the parlor room and of course you have the whores!

Seriously, hookers on trampolines... what more needs to be said?

8.  Rachel Maddow

And now for something completely different...  Lest you think that I'm just some pervy hedonist, I happen to also be a huge fan of women who are intelligent, articulate, well-spoken, opinionated, witty and not even remotely interested in my penis.  Rachel Maddow is all of those things.  I am addicted to her MSNBC show, which I watch every night at 6pm while I'm making dinner, but I record it on DVR anyway just in case I miss something that I want to go back and watch later.  I'm also a huge fan of her blog, which is one of the things that kind of inspired me to start my own blog.  If you're a conservative, you probably hate her and think she's an idiot, but that's ok, it's natural for people to hate that which they do not understand. (winky face)  As for me, I love Rachel, can't get enough of her.  If I were a lesbian, I would totally try to hook up with her and I wouldn't even write a tell-all book about it later to cash in.  She's awesome and I like awesome.

7.  The Daily Show

Along with Rachel, The Daily Show fills my quota of intelligent, witty and liberal-leaning television that inspires many of my blog posts and helps me find the snarky, sarcastic and comedically effective angle with which to put the fire to the feet of those pesky conservatives without ever letting them see me sweat.  Since taking over the show, Jon Stewart has helped build The Daily Show into a brand so much stronger and more well-respected than Stewart himself ever appears comfortable admitting to.  He still downplays the influence TDS has had on the political conversation in this country - especially among younger voters.  He shrugs off his role in shaping the dialog and helping to call out the hypocrisy, double-standards and deceptiveness of both politicians and the media propaganda machines, in particular Fox News, who promote their agenda.  However, the influence of TDS is evident in the way other shows - such as The Rachel Maddow Show - present their information.  The Daily Show is actually one of the main shows that many people list as their primary "political news" source, a fact who's irony is not lost on Stewart.  However, given the massive spin, distortion and outright dishonesty prevalent in most cable news networks, at least The Daily Show makes no attempt to disguise it's bias, hide it's agenda or pretend it's giving you anything other than what it is.  And, in that respect, it might just be the most honest political news program on television.

6.  Master Chef

One of the two programs in my DVR that features chef Gordon Ramsay, Master Chef hooked me from the first episode of the first season last year.  It's already been an international hit, so the formula had been tested and proven before it made it's way to America, so it's no surprise that it has been a success here as well.  The idea is simple - ordinary cooks from around the country compete to see who's the best "home chef" - and the judges are great.  In addition to Gordon, restaurateur and vineyard owner Joe Bastianich and chef Graham Elliot make up the 3-judge panel that decides which cooks are good enough to move on from week to week.  There are challenges, both group and personal, taste-tests and all the drama and attitude you would expect from a reality competition program.  I'm into it, I dig the cooking, the cattiness, the trash-talk from the judges, it's just all good.

5.  Hells Kitchen

What can I say, I'm a big Gordon Ramsay fan, and this was the show that started it.  I love how he screams at and berates the would-be chefs as they bumble and stumble around the kitchen trying to get that damn lobster risotto out or cook a sea bass that isn't raw in the middle.  This show has even more cattiness and drama between the contestants than Master Chef does, which is like extra sprinkles on that donut as far as I'm concerned.  Like all well-produced reality competition shows, there are contestants that are the "heroes" and "villains" and the producers do a good job of making sure you have the desired impression of all of them.  I get caught up in all of the nonsense and crap and I enjoy the hell out of it.  Good fun.

4.  Real Sex

First of all, doing a Google search for "Real Sex" with the filter off results in looking for a needle in a penis stack when it comes to finding a screen cap or promo photo for the actual show, rather than an up-close shot of some girl getting DP'ed or smiling with a load blasted across her face.  This, ironically, is in contrast to the HBO show, where you will never see either of those two things happening.  I have kind of a love-hate relationship with Real Sex.  Well, maybe not love-hate, more like a "love-eh, not so much" relationship.  I love it when they show those rare segments that feature actually hot couples and women doing actually hot sexual things in actually hot places, but I am not so much a fan of the segments on the "Puppetry of the Penis" guys or 60-something swingers taking masturbation classes or weird hippie ladies with unshaved pits teaching other 70's porno throwback people how to give each other orgasms with their "energy auras" under a awning in their overgrown back yards.  It does bug me though that a show called "Real Sex" doesn't push the boundaries of depicting sex more, especially on a channel like HBO, where they could probably get away with being a lot more explicit in the name of adult educational programming.  It should be the show that breaks down the boundaries on showing penetration and ejaculation and all the other gory details of human sexuality, rather than the show that makes showing a naked penis for 20 straight minutes less disturbing... which by the way, it never gets less disturbing.

3.  Squidbillies

There are a few different animated shows on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim that I enjoy, including Robot Chicken, Metalocalypse and Aqua Teen Hunger Force.  However, Squidbillies is my favorite.  I mean, how can you go wrong with the animated tale of redneck, air-breathing, land-walking squids in the hollers of GA who cook meth, engage in incestuous fornication, drink blinding liquor distilled from pine cones, engage in violent and deadly recreational hobbies, pray to a squid Jesus, live under the iron thumb of local businessman and apparent lord of the land Dan Halen - owner of Dan Halen Sheetrock and regularly and cruelly hassle the local sheriff, who graciously accepts their torturous harassment with ridiculous "aw shucks" humility?  The voices are great, the scripting is demented and hilarious and the animation is like an acid trip on the set of "Deliverance".  It also comes on at like midnight every night, so when you're about to pass out with the cartoon network on, just as you're drifting off to sleep, here comes this whacked-out, twisted, loud and crazy cartoon about hillbilly squids that makes you wonder if you're actually seeing this for real, or if maybe you should lay off the calamari and Jack Daniels after 10:00 pm.

2.  Real Time with Bill Maher

Yes, Bill Maher tends to come across as smug and condescending, even to those of us who are big fans of his show.  Yes, he sometimes over-confidently clings to an analogy or take on a particular subject that I think is way off and totally ridiculous, much to my irritation.  However, Bill also makes some amazingly insightful and accurate observations about politics and social ideology that I couldn't have said better myself.  I am a huge fan of his documentary, Religulous, and it's the same cynical approach to cutting through the BS and finding the truth with the guests and subjects on his show that makes me a fan of Real Time.  I love it when he has a mixed panel and includes some conservative guests.  That's when you really get to see Bill's liberal cockles get worked up and watch him get into it face to face with the people who's ideology he's fundamentally opposed to.  I might not always be 100% on Bill's side when he argues every point, but I think he's an incredibly intelligent and well-spoken guy and I do agree with him on about 90% of the things he says.  Also, "New Rules" is pretty much always gold.

1.  Breaking Bad

I already dedicated an entire blog post to Breaking Bad, the greatest show on television, so I won't go into it all over again here.  Suffice to say, if you aren't watching Breaking Bad, you're missing out.  It's without question the best written, best acted, best directed and darkest drama on basic cable, hands down.  It's the one show I almost never have to watch on DVR, I'm glued to the tv every Sunday night at 10pm to watch it in real time, but I record it anyway, just in case it's going to be one of those episodes where I say "We gotta watch that again!"  Until it finally goes off the air, Breaking Bad will probably be my favorite basic cable tv show, and it will always be at the top of my series priority queue on the old DVR.

So, there you go, 10 reasons why my DVR is awesome.  Well, maybe 6 good reasons and 4 ok ones, or 3 good ones, 4 ok ones and 3 lame ones.  Hey, it's all a matter of taste!  Anyway, get back to work or whatever the hell you should be doing right now instead of reading this, I'm gonna go make something for lunch.  Enjoy your weekend, I'll be back here on Monday, bringing the awesome like I always do.

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