Thursday, February 2, 2012

I officially love

I suspected this blog was a joke when I read it.  Well, either that or it's the most ridiculous, over the top, right-wing Christian ignorance collective this side of the Westboro Baptist Church.  I was inclined to go with the former, considering some of the other articles I read on their blog since it was first introduced into my world yesterday by my good friend Tracie, and after a little "investigative work" (i.e. wikipedia), I confirmed it is, in fact, a satirical site.  However, many of the reader comments after each article are definitely real - and hilarious!

So, as I was saying, I became aware of this blog thanks to my friend Tracie and it was in particular due to an article she sent me titled "12 Reasons to Boycott 'Game of Thrones' in 2012".  For reference, here is the article.

First off, this is a fantastic sample of the kind of stuff you'll find all over this site, from the outrageous premises of each article to the copious use of derogatory slang, it's like The Onion of Christian extremism and it's awesome.  So, as I was saying, I'm reading this article about why you should boycott Game of Thrones and there are so many great gems in here!

"6. Actor Peter Dinklage, who plays a dwarf on the show, has become the poster child for sodomy amongst America’s youths."
That's just good stuff, right there.  It brilliantly combines all of the scariest threats to Christian children - sodomy, acting and dwarfism - in one shocking indictment.  Then you read the explanation...
"Children identify with Dinklage because of his small size and comical accent, but his obsession with anal penetration crosses the boundaries into pure propaganda. How many children will watch the little man and want to try his grunty thrusts at home?"
Grunty thrusts!?  I LOVE THIS SITE!  Seriously, I want to write stuff like this!  When I first read this list, I was prepared to write up a blistering rebuttal to these ridiculous points and judging by many of the comments after this and other articles, I clearly would not have been the first person to be trolled by Christwire, but then when I realized it was all just a great bit of satire, my interest in blogging about these guys didn't wane but rather changed from scathing criticism to high praise.

Also, their use of imagery that would offend any Christian to prove their point is fantastic.  Of course I will provide examples!

Here is just a sample of some of the other articles on
"Dirty liberals on Google insult Rick Santorum's honorable name." 
"Modern Family's Jesse Tyler Ferguson plays gay on TV, but in real life he is a homosexual." 
And, an article about Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez, innocuously titled
"CAUGHT: Justin Bieber gropes Selena Gomez' gluteals."
Which is made outstanding with lines in the article itself like "I thought they were supposed to be about Disney Christmas and sunshine rainbow happiness and not yearning for a late night colon whisper."

Colon whisper?  Genius.

Speaking of Justin Bieber, the article that basically proved this site to be a work of satire, even before I confirmed it independently, was one titled "Topless Rachel Maddow shocks, offends beachgoers with new Jesus tattoo."  When I clicked on the link, eager to see steamy pics of Rachel Maddow's flapjacks getting some sun, I was greeted with this:

Wait a second...  That Jesus tattoo looks familiar... Is it?  Yes, yes it is!


And that's when I knew I was dealing with sublime brilliance.  This whole article slams "Rachel Maddow" for running around topless with boys and flirting shamelessly with girls in some gender-bending orgy of sand, sin and unabashed liberalism.  It's just so great that they refer to Justin Bieber as Rachel Maddow, and even greater that in the top pic, there may actually be some real confusion.  

So, what began as a mission to absolutely rip on some good ol' fundamentalist ignorance has, instead, turned into an appreciation post for my new favorite satire blog -  Read it for the articles, stay for the trolls in the comments section.  Also, thanks again, Tracie, for taking the guesswork out of what I was going to write about today!


  1. Hi Dave,

    I wanted to let you know that Christwire loves you too, despite your outrageous Erik Estrada sunglasses. Is CHiPs really making a comeback? I remember hearing that Hollywood was kicking around the idea of a John Leguizamo/Matthew McConaughey pairing for the revival, but I didn't think it would make it past the script phase. In any event, thank you for doing your part keeping Estrada's spirit alive.

    With warmest regards,