Why Conservatives Make Me Laugh. (part 1)

The other day, my wife forwarded an email to me that she received from a very conservative family member because it annoyed the hell out of her so much that she had to share her pain with me.  Now, being annoying as hell is kind of the whole point of conservative chain emails - they're designed to be pure red meat for other conservatives and a big shot of lemon juice in the eye for liberals.  Usually, when one of my conservative friends sends me a liberal-bashin', history re-writin' sack of e-turds, I read it, chuckle at how dumb it is and go on with my day.  Sometimes, though, I find myself drawing a mental blank when I'm trying to think of something to write about that day and I decide to break the email out and dissect just why it bugs the hell out of me.  Today is one of those days.  So, I'm going to break down this email and address it with all the seriousness it demands.  (Special thanks to my wife and the ultra-conservatives in her family.)


(My comments will be in red, obviously!) 

Since we are not going to get gasoline back to $1.50 per gallon and coffee to $2.00 per pound maybe this would be a solution we could live with.

This is the official constant talking point that has to make it's way into every conservative chain email now - gas prices.  Of course, we weren't hearing shit from conservatives back in 2007, when gas was approaching $4 a gallon under Bush, but since when has consistency and intellectual honesty ever been a strong suit of the neo-con?  But yes, it does appear that we aren't going to get gas prices back to where they were under BILL CLINTON, so I guess we need a drastic solution, since drilling 4 times more oil than we did under Bush hasn't been working and neither is using 10% less oil as a nation.  ANY solution, no matter how crazy, HAS to be better than holding oil companies and market speculators accountable for driving up the price of gas, I mean, telling people not to price gouge is COMMUNISM!  Not sure what the price of coffee has to do with anything, haven't really heard anyone complaining about outrageous coffee prices lately... maybe this email was designed to be sent early on a Monday morning.

DIVORCE AGREEMENT -- This is so incredibly well-put, and I can hardly believe it's by a young person, a student!! Whatever he runs for, I'll vote for him!

This is the other constant in conservative chain emails - that they were penned by students.  I guess the idea is that conservative ideology is so simple that even a publicly-educated student can figure them out, but at the same time, they're so brilliant that it's truly amazing when a publicly-educated student figures them out?  I think one thing we can all agree on is that public education is producing some fucking idiots with really low expectations.

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, regressive, Marxists, and Obama supporters, etal.

I'm curious, how can one be both progressive and regressive at the same time?  Also, are they both bad?  I get that conservatives are opposed to progressive ideology, they don't want to advance as a society, but I'm surprised to see the party of "Restore America!" is also opposed to going backwards as well.  I guess the logic is, if we just stand here in one place long enough, the America Obama stole from us will find it's way back home?

We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. 

This is where the whole premise of the email starts to become really amusing.  I mean, not that I wasn't already chuckling at the gas price populism and the made-up backstory, but isn't it more than a bit ironic that conservatives are floating around an email about divorce?  The party of marital sanctity?  The ones who don't want gays to be allowed to marry because they would tarnish the purity of the institution?  But, ok, the marriage defenders want to give up on a "marriage", tell me more!

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way. 

Here is a model separation agreement:

Well that's just disappointing.  Here I thought there was some hope that conservatives and liberals could find common agreement on some things that are right for the country.  All I know is, if conservatives are going to be ideologically opposed to everything non-conservatives support, then I'm in favor of breathing oxygen and not laying down on railroad tracks!  But I digress, I am dying to hear this "model separation agreement"!

1. Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides had such distinct and disparate tastes. 

Actually, that will be the easy part!  The majority of liberal Americans live on the east and west coasts of the country, with a good-sized pocket in the great lakes states as well.  So, to make the logistics of moving everyone around a little easier, we'll go ahead and take both coasts and the great lakes states like Illinois, Wisconsin and Ohio.  Also, we'll take Hawaii and conservatives can have Alaska.  There, all done!

2. We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. 

Tough but fair!  I mean, really, nobody likes taxes, liberals just see them as a responsibility that all income-earning Americans must share in order to keep the wheels rolling, while conservatives see them as a terrible punishment for success.  So, we'll keep the tax system that maintains government and infrastructure and funds essential services and conservatives can figure out how to convince the private sector in their new country to dump billions of dollars into unprofitable things like road maintenance and emergency response services.

3. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. 

Liberal judges gave us equal rights, women's rights and most of the personal freedoms and liberties we take for granted today, while conservative judges have made corporations people and ruled that the more money you have, the more speech you're entitled to in the political process.  So, we'll gladly take the liberal judges and the one agency that defends freedom and liberty more than any other in America and conservatives can live in a world where Best Buy has more rights than its customers!

4. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. 

It's refreshing to see conservatives admit that they love war.  However, if they think liberals hate guns, I welcome them to try breaking into any of the houses of my liberal friends.  So, no, you can't have our guns and when the military finds out how much you love sending them off to war, and that you're opposed to the tax system that pays their salaries, you might have a tough time convincing them to go with you too.  You can have the NRA though, in fact, take all the lobbying groups you want!

5. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel. 

Sounds good, conservatives can worry about dealing with OPEC and oil speculators and oil industry profiteering and we'll take our energy independence ball and go home!  Only problem is, when gas prices go through the roof there and there's no more liberals to blame it on, what are you going to do!?

6. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them. 

The irony of conservatives making fat jokes.  The same people who blast Michelle Obama for planting a vegetable garden and encouraging kids to get exercise every day.  The same people who made ranch dressing the national condiment.  The same people who are constantly raising the bar in the deep-fried foods industry and showing off the latest in cutting edge type 2 diabetes production methods at state fairs and straw polls across the country.  Conservatives are vigorously fighting for the right to be allowed to get as fat and unhealthy as they want without "big government" telling them what to do, but ok, I'll bite, finding the vehicle will be easy - we'll just use the same design as the one conservatives made to haul around Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck's head and Ann Coulter's penis and modify the engine to run on bio-diesel.  Problem solved!

7. We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. 

The more I hear about this divorce, the more I like it!  Model separation agreement indeed!  Seriously, you can have crony capitalism, unethical greed-driven corporations, big pharm and Wall St.  Hell, we were gonna throw in Wal-Mart just as a gimme, but hell, if you want to bargain for it, then you guys can have all that stuff and we'll take a fair market, small businesses and responsible companies and... oh damn, I just realized, Wall St. is in NEW YORK CITY!  Sorry, conservatives, you'll have to just bulldoze over a Main St. somewhere and rename it.

8. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens. 

Fun fact: the majority of welfare recipients in America are white families who identify themselves politically as conservative.  You conservatives will have to figure out how to tell them they're not welcome in "Their America" anymore.  We'll take our hippies though, they make great business owners and entrepreneurs, but we're not taking the druggies, Rush Limbaugh is YOUR mess to clean up, not ours.  Oh, and good luck with the illegal aliens, since you now own 90% of the border states!

9. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. 

Again, like Wal-Mart, this is almost a freebie on our part.  Keep coveting the greedy, that's a solid Christian value, right?  At any rate, since you already get Alaska, you're welcome to all the "hot" hockey moms you can carry, just make sure you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull - because if someone accidentally slaps lipstick on that dog, it's going to be an awkward family reunion.

10. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC, ABC, CBS and Hollywood .. 

That's cool, we'll just make tv shows and movies about the bible!  

11. You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. 

Actually, since you guys wanted the oil industry so bad, YOU get to make nice with Iran and Palestine, so you can maintain the flow of oil.  Incidentally, who are you going to "hammer" those place with?  Your military is still waiting for their paychecks...

12. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

Who's "we", you got a turd in your pocket?  Again, you might want to work out that whole compensation issue with your military before you cavalierly send them off to fight for you while you pretend like "we" are doing anything other than sitting on your ass watching NASCAR. 

13. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. 

And we'll keep ours.

14. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill. 

Shirley McLain is a religion now?  Cool!  I love the archaic McLain reference though, I can't wait for Jane Fonda to pop up in here somewhere!  Of course you will no longer be paying the bill, you aren't going to be paying a lot of bills without any government revenue system in place! 

15. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Chevy Volt and Subaru station wagon you can find. 

Just gonna double-down on that oil dick, eh?  Fine by us, since we have all the clean, independent energy, you guys can get yourselves even more indentured to OPEC and the international oil market, just make sure you refine a good portion of that oil into lube, because you're gonna need it!

16. You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. 

Shouldn't be too hard, since we're the ones with all the "liberal indoctrination mills", aka Universities and schools.  Good luck getting your healthcare needs met by a guy who got his medical degree from a home school, I hear faith healing is pretty effective!

17. We'll continue to believe healthcare is an earned luxury and not a right. 

Makes sense, because it goes right along with your "Judeo-Christian values".  You know, like that part where Jesus said "If thou doth not haveth Kaiser, then fuck ye!"

18. We'll keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and "The National Anthem." 

Ok, and since we have all the top-selling recording artists, we'll just write a new national anthem.  Lady Gaga can sing it and it will be the highest-selling recording of the national anthem since Whitney sung the Star-Spangled Banner... which is the actual name of "The National Anthem".  What school is this "student" going to, anyway?  Living Room Elementary? 

19. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya," or "We Are the World". 

It's ok, we got this, but thanks for reminding us that we now own the bulk of the artistic works created in America!  While you're busy shitting all over international anthems of peace and harmony, we'll be out discovering which half of America all of "your allies" were really friendly with. 

20. We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot. 

Have at it, I mean, it has clearly worked out so well over the last 30 years, right?  You keep waiting for rain to trickle down through the leaves and branches and we'll water our plants at the roots and see who grows a healthier tree.

21. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our constitution and our flag. 

I love the constant false narrative from the right that liberals are "so offended" by the country we live in.  Here's a hint, it's not America that offends us, it's the fucking morons that live in America who say stupid shit like this.  That being said, you don't get to claim history, that's not how history works.  I know that's confusing for conservatives, who are so used to re-shaping, re-writing and manipulating history to fit their own narrative that they believe it is an actual, physical thing that can be molded like silly putty to suit their ideology, but unfortunately it's not. Also, you're going to have to modify that flag a little, drop about half the stars, and since we have all the constitutional lawyers and scholars, we can make a copy of the constitution pretty easily.

22. Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years. 

Yes, I would totally agree to this.  Are you kidding me?  In one swipe we could get rid of all the conservatives and all of their backwards, regressive ideological bullshit AND keep all the best stuff about living in America right now?  It's a win-win baby!


As for who will need whose help, I don't even give it 5 years before you guys are begging us to let you come over and use the internet, since you can't maintain stuff like internet lines and other infrastructure in your tax-free utopia.

Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American  

If this poorly-written, cheap, populist load of crap was written by a law student, then he can be the ONE lawyer you guys get to keep!

P.S.: Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, and Jane Fonda with you. 

AHA!  I KNEW there would be a Jane Fonda reference in there somewhere!  Apparently, this "law student" must have graduated in 1983!  But yeah, we'll take those guys and you can have Patricia Heaton, Ted Nugent, Hank Williams Jr. and Jon Voight.  Oh, and you can have Arnold Swarzenegger too, if you can get him to stop letting in all the illegal aliens so he can impregnate them with anchor babies... 

P.S.S..: And you won't have to "Press 1 for English" when you call our country. 

Well, duh, you need TAX REVENUE to maintain a nation wide telecom network!

Forward this every time you get it! Let's keep this going; maybe some of it will start sinking in! 

One can only hope!

**If you can't stand behind our Military, Please feel free to stand in front of them! **

I wouldn't want to be standing anywhere near them when you tell them they have to go fight the world for you without pay. (winky face)