Thursday, February 24, 2011

Public Service Announcement

Ladies, this:

isn't sexy.

Seriously, I don't know who came up with the fucking duckface pose, but it sucks dick, and not in the good way.  It's like a horrible fashion accessory for your face.  I know, duckface hate isn't new, but my blog is, so I'm calling out duckface bitches.  STOP DOING THIS SHIT!

"Like, omg, we're SO hot."

No, you're not hot, you look like you just sucked a lemon's asshole, like you're pressing your lips up to an imaginary pig's anus.  No, fuck that, you look like your lips ARE a pig's anus.  This shit makes my penis softer, it's the exact opposite effect you think you're getting.  The only guys who like this pose are douchebags like this:

Dude, bro, dude, bro... I mean, wtf?  The only thing more disturbing than a girl doing the duckface is a guy doing it.  It's in the same ballpark as a guy with a lower back tat or low-rise pants.  It's like the douchey vodka in a Long Island Douche Tea.  In case you were wondering, here's a fully-mixed cocktail:

"Mad gangsta, yo."

All this fuckwad needs is an Affliction or Ed Hardy shirt and he would literally leave your vagina clean and fresh as a spring rain with the power of vinegar and water.  Close your fucking mouth, Tony.  Stop making kissy faces at the imaginary oompa-loompa Jersey Shore fuckhole you're trying to impress with your upper-shelf vodka and your pimpin ass $80 stack.  If you're a girl and you think this guy is hot, congratulations, you're a fucking idiot.


Remember what I was saying about pig anuses?  For all we know, this gentleman here could be a perfectly attractive young man, albeit gender-confused.  However, thanks to this ridiculous botox trout pout, we can only assume he's a skeevy tranny hooker looking to toss some lucky guy's salad for crank money.  What's that?... Apparently I'm being told this is, in fact, a female.  I call bullshit.

I googled all these pics, and dammit I'm gonna use all of them...

See, this girl could be cute, fuckable even, but thanks to that stupid fucking pout, all I can think about is triangle choking her into unconsciousness and pissing on her lower back tat while she's out.  I'm not even a woman-hating misogynist, it's just this facial expression that unlocks a dark place in my subconscious.  It's as if someone asked the question "What is the face of the douche chill?"  If the actual feeling of getting douche chills could manifest itself as a living being, what face would it make?  And this was the answer.  I know slutty women need a way to show that they're shallow, vapid, self-absorbed and willing to spread taco for the first guy with a shaved chest and a Camaro, but in the future, I would like to propose just taking pictures with your titties out.  This conveys the same message, but is far more pleasing to look at.  Granted, titties out doesn't exactly fly with the Facebook, Twitter, Myspace (lol), etc. censors, so maybe leave your bra on or something, but honestly, there are plenty of ways to show the world that you're a dime-a-dozen cum dumpster that doesn't cause the penis to become an "inny".  Just saying, that's all.  Vaya con dios.

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