Tuesday, December 27, 2011

New Years Resolution #1: Learn Spanish.

I was over at my friend Brett's house on Christmas eve, getting obscenely intoxicated, when we began to flip through channels looking for something to watch.  I was just surfing along when I turned to a channel that was showing a bunch of dead bodies being prepared for embalming.  Of course, I stopped to watch it and immediately realized I was watching a Spanish channel.  The next thing I realized was that they weren't censoring anything out of this segment except the naked genitalia on the dead men who were having their organs scissored out of their abdomens, their brains scooped out of their sawed-open skulls and embalming fluid pumped into their exposed arteries.  At the end of this segment, they segued to security camera footage of guys on bikes getting absolutely hammered by cars running stop signs and red lights where you just knew there was no way they survived.  At this point, we were like "What the hell are we watching here!?"  Just before they threw to commercial, they teased an upcoming clip of a guy who was dismembered by a commuter train, then the show logo flashed across the screen: AL EXTREMO!!

For the next hour, we watched clips of decapitations, gruesome car accidents and suicides, the aftermath of gang and drug cartel violence, people getting their shit ruined on security cameras, suicide bombers in the middle east and a various assortment of shocking, gory and brutal footage caught on camera.  Think TRU TV's "Most Shocking" crossed with "Faces of Death" and you have this show.  It was glorious... and I only wish that I knew Spanish well enough to understand more than every 10th word they said.

Oh, and the hosts of this show?

Not sure what Kermit is doing here, unless they're about to show footage of him having an M-80 shoved up his ass.
In typical Spanish-language television fashion, Al Extremo is hosted by a few girls who look like retired Playmates and dress like high-dollar escorts, flanking the one token guy host.  In fact, there are nudes out there of at least one of the hostesses and "Maxim" shots of two more.  Now, I expect to see sexily-dressed female show hosts whenever I turn to a Spanish channel, but it's kind of an interesting contrast to see some glamoured-up chica waxing poetic in Espanol right before they cut to a slew of clips of people who just got run over by a cement truck.

Chupacabra?  AL EXTREMO!!

There are also other, non-horrifically-violent clips that get played on this show as well, stuff like kids who dance, people doing crazy stunts and NOT dying and other random stuff like you might see on any normal American internet clip show, but the bulk of the programming is people getting jacked up in spectacular fashion, to the shock, horror and bemusement of our bodacious hostesses and that one dude.

So, for the most part I don't really need to know Spanish in order to watch this show.  It's easy enough to understand someone getting completely wrecked without being able to translate the color commentary, but like any show, I would most likely enjoy this one even more if I could understand that witty banter between these stacked mamacitas in between splatter clips.  Then again, I'm probably not missing much.  I mean, lord knows Fox News is a much more entertaining channel when you can mute the volume and just watch Megyn Kelly make serious faces in between clips of the Solyndra building or Obama looking shifty.  Still though, there's no time like the present to learn a second language, might have to pick up a copy of Rosetta Stone and get bi-lingual up in this puta!

1 comment:

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