Monday, January 2, 2012

So, this is our last year on Earth?

2012, the end of all life as we know it, or something.  Right?  I mean, the ancient Mayan calendar ends in 2012 and we all know that everything that was written by people thousands of years before we realized the sun wasn't an angry fire god is timelessly logical, completely factual and free of any false, outdated or disproven data - am I right, Christians?

So, in the proud tradition of the bible and the constitution, many Americans are rallying around the centuries-old Mayan calendar as a creation that should never be updated, revisited or held to any historical scrutiny whatsoever.  Which, for a shit-talker like me is fantastic!  I mean, just the idea that there are people out there who are really freaking out because they think this is their last year on Earth is amazing to me, it's like a gift from the comedy gods.  I really want to meet someone who legitimately believes the world is going to end this year, just to listen to their reasoning for it.  I want someone who lives in the era of computers to explain to me how an ancient, unfinished calendar is irrefutable proof of anything.

Then again, what if these crazy fucks are on to something?

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
The one thing that keeps me from being an atheist, if nothing else, is that little voice in the back of my head that says "But, what if they're right?"  Granted, it's not enough to get me in church, drinking the kool-aid every Sunday, but it's enough for me to not completely dismiss Christianity and the bible as just a total load of crap.  Sure, I have a lot of doubts and a lot of stuff in the bible makes no sense and the more that the blindly devout say things like "The bible is the most proven book in the history of mankind", the more I want to scream "NO IT ISN'T!"  But, I grew up in the church, I grew up learning all the lessons of the bible and reading the stories and I was particularly affected by the book of Revelations and so yeah, even through my skepticism and doubt, there's a little part of me that's still scared shitless of the sky turning black, the oceans turning into blood and I don't know what the hell wormwood really is, but I sure don't want to see it raining down from the sky...

Google: "Wormwood is a giant star that falls to Earth from the heavens, Dave."
Me: "Awesome, thanks, Google!"
Wait...  That's not awesome at all!  Ok, so it's entirely possible that a huge celestial object could collide with the Earth and completely wreck our shit.  Knock us out of our current orbit and turn us into a desert wasteland, ala Ceti Alpha V.

This is the new "dog".
Of course, a lot of things could happen that totally ruins our day forever.  I mean, crazy ass Ahmadinejad could get nukes, or Kim Jong Un could try to overcompensate for not being as crazy and oddly similar to an Asian troll version of Larry King as his dad and launch some of their nukes, or China could just be like "America would make a great parking lot for our new super mall" and blast us into dust to clear the way for construction.  Living in the nuclear age ain't no joke.  But of course, anyone who grew up in the 80's is well aware of the threat of fallout and all things cold war related.

Nothing says "Our military spending is being completely wasted" like a group of high school turds saving America from invasion while our armies get owned.

Personally, I think that if the world ends, it's not going to be a biblical apocalypse, it's not going to be an asteroid from space, it's not going to the the Ruskies and Cuba teaming up to rape the rocky mountain range and it won't be China doing some aggressive landscaping on all the US soil they already own.  Nope, for my money, the end of the world is going to be ZOMBIE VIRUS!

Yep... you're fucked.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry Dave, I don't do zombies. Over my head. Read Neale Donald Walsh's "What God Wants."