Monday, January 9, 2012

Apparently God loves football (sorry, Haiti).

"Sorry kid, maybe if you could limp your team into field goal range once a week I'd give a shit" - God

Obviously, God cares more about football than he does famine, disease, poverty, crime, violence, war, disasters, sickness, inhumanities, torture, exploitation of women and children, cruelty, non-Christian dictators and our presidential election.  I mean, he has to, or else why would Tim Tebow be winning games?

The conservative, Christian blogosphere is going crazy the more Tim Tebow continues to win games and edge closer to an improbable Super Bowl appearance.  Each Tebow win is irrefutable proof of the presence and power of God.  See, Tebow prays for a win each Sunday and God listens - well... half of the time.

The Broncos are 8-8, a .500 team.  Tim Tebow personally has put up average-at-best numbers for the season, not counting his exceptionally good day against the Steelers last week.  Overall, the Broncos are putting up mediocre stats, but a win is a win no matter how ugly it is.  And, like I said, half the time, the Broncos find a way to win.

Now, if you read anything I write here on the subject of religion, you know that I'm no cheerleader.  I'm not an atheist, I just doubt that God gives a damn about what team wins every Sunday more than, say, people starving to death in third world countries or people being murdered right here in our own country.  For this reason, I'm more than just a little annoyed and put off by all the hoopla surrounding Tim Tebow simply because of his strongly professed and open evangelical beliefs.

Ok, I get it, Tim Tebow is a super-Christian.  He prays after every great play in an infamous pose that's been dubbed "Tebowing" and is being copied by every douchebag in the country, sometimes in a way that's pretty funny, usually in a way that's just annoying and douchey.  Tim has "3:16" in his eye black, a reference to the bible passage John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  To add even more unfounded religious nonsense to the whole thing, Tebow threw for 316 yards against the Steelers last week, his first 300+ yard game this season and obviously the fact that it was 316 yards and not 315 or 317 means that God himself was acting through Mr. Tebow, right?

I mean, screw those poor people in Haiti who still haven't been able to rebuild following the catastrophic earthquake that devastated them over a year ago and who have been exploited and victimized by American... Christian American opportunists.  If you believe the propaganda coming from the religious right and nut jobs like Pat Robertson, those Haitians deserve what they got for "selling their souls" for freedom, or some crap.  So, obviously God is going to care about protecting the Broncos' 50% win record more than saving some sick and dying Haitian children, am I right?

The Japanese, who were the victims of both a horrible earthquake and tsunami and then later the resulting fallout from nuclear power plant failure?  Well, they're all Buddhists or something, right?  Not even on God's radar.  Nope, you aren't more important than making sure the Broncos win half of all the games they played this season... cuz we all know God loves nothing more than a person who finishes half of what they start...

So, ok, it's clear why God loves the Broncos more than foreign heathens who don't even pray to him and the few unfortunate Christians who made the foolish choice to live among said heathens, but what about his lack of support for Christian Americans right here?

Michelle Bachmann recently dropped out of the presidential race after her dismal numbers in the Iowa caucus.  Yet, the only reason she says that she entered the race in the first place is because she claimed God spoke to her personally and told her to run.  Likewise, another horrible finish was had by Rick Perry - who also claimed that God spoke to him personally and told him to run.  Both candidates ran on the most evangelical, Christian platforms out of all the candidates for the GOP nomination, and both candidates scored at or near the bottom of the pack.  So, does God not care if the person running our country is a Christian?  Is his divine intervention only warranted when it preserves the playoff hopes of a 50/50 team?  When G.W. Bush won back in 2000 and again in 2004, that was held up as a "mandate" on evangelical, Christian values in this country.  It was almost as if God himself wanted someone in office who held his values - or at least claimed to hold those values while they allowed their friends and special interests to run amok in our own country and around the world, exploiting everything they could get their hands on for profit.  But then, in 2008, God allowed a Muslim, Kenyan socialist to win the presidential election... HOW!?!?  Was he distracted by NASCAR?  Was he too busy following baseball?

All I know is, if Tebow wins, it won't be because God made it happen.  Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and go on record as saying that right now.  Also, Tim Tebow won't win the Super Bowl.  Sorry, but a .500 team isn't going to beat teams like the Packers, who actually won more games than they lost this season.  I got nothing against Tim Tebow for being a Christian or any other reason.  I don't know the dude, I got no beef with the dude, I wish him and his family nothing but the best, as I do for all the guys on the Broncos.  I may not be a Broncos fan, but I don't wish ill upon them and, hey, if they actually do make it to the Super Bowl that would be great and if they win it, that would be amazing considering how stacked the odds are against them, but it won't be because God made it happen, that's all I'm saying.

Why do I know this?  Because I have to believe God is a better person than that.  I have to believe that, if God really exists, he's not such an asshole that he would let children starve to death yet change the course of reality to help a mediocre QB with some bible shit on his face win a fucking ring.  Tim Tebow doesn't deserve a ring more than a hungry child deserves a meal.  Tim Tebow doesn't deserve a ring more than a child deserves two healthy parents who don't abuse or neglect them.  Tim Tebow doesn't deserve a ring more than a kid deserves a normal, happy childhood free from disease and suffering.  Tim Tebow doesn't deserve a ring more than the world deserves peace, prosperity and happiness.  If you honestly believe God cares more about Tebow and the Broncos than he does all of the other horrible things that happen in the world every day, then you're not just an asshole, you're a stupid asshole.

1 comment:

  1. tebow won't win a super bowl. god is actually aaron rodgers.